SlimXero Reviews

Hostel (2005)

Why Did Quentin Put His Name On This?

[1/10 · 19 January 2006]

Why in the world would you recommend this to other people? This has to be the biggest load of stank *** moldy maggot semen i have ever laid my previously unscathed viewing sockets on.

*** SPOILERS *** The first 50 minutes of this movie shows the three main characters going around Europe, screwing every woman they see and smoking every plant they touch... Personally, I'm a college student, if i wanted to see pot-porn, i could just go knock on my neighbor's door. I seriously have no idea how i managed to stay awake all this time and not scrape my face off with a popcorn kernel. Seriously that bad.

Then we have what i would like to call the turning point, from just plain pointless pornographic weed-head non-entertainment expo to cringing torturous... whats the word I'm looking for? Whats the exact, extreme opposite of orgasm? Well, lets just pretend i know and i put it there.

The morning after one of the main characters "finally gets laid", their buddy (who is the only character that I actually remember his name) Olie disappears. We later find out he was tortured before being decapitated. Fun. Then we get to see his Asian chick get her toe cut off with a pair of bolt cutters. Double the Fun. This is the point where i was seriously considering leaving...really.

So we get back to the story, just the two main guys left, and wouldn't you know it, buddy number 2 disappears. Lame. We get to see him tortured and then killed. Where is the entertainment in this? If you enjoy watching that, you seriously need a psychological evaluation, because you have some sick and twisted tendencies that need to be monitored. This is actually the point where I began walking out the door, but, sadly, could not as i wanted to see what happened to the main character.

As he goes looking for his friends, he also is captured (big surprise), and has began being tortured. He manages to catch a lucky break and only gets a few fingers chopped off... and kills his torturer. At this point, I did not care, and walked.

Eli Roth: learn to write/direct you moron. Quentin Tarentino: Please don't put your name on another piece of garbage like that ever again... please? I'm begging you here man. Actors: I hope you made a LOT of money.

The Cave (2005)

I can't think of a worse movie...

[1/10 · 12 September 2005]

I honestly cannot think of a movie worse than this...no matter how hard i try nothing comes to mind. Sure people will bash Battlefield Earth and other such movies, but at least they had their points; the humor, the overall message, something could be said for each and every movie most people bash. But not this one, o no. There was no point, no reasoning, no explanations, and no acting! Let me explain.

The movie starts 30 years ago, with several men, who just got out of jail (and they never explain why they were in jail), trying to find a cave. They find said cave, which is supposed to have some uber cool treasure, but they all get trapped inside. 30 years later, one of the world's premier underwater mapping teams takes the job to go explore said cave. They never really give a solid reason as to why, just that they got the funding for it, so their going to do it. Jump forward, their in the cave, and people are starting to get hurt/eaten/die mysteriously. So their trying to get out, and pretty much everyone gets killed. The main character gets slashed early on and starts "slowly becoming one of them", yet managing to stay human THE WHOLE MOVIE. However, one of his little buddies gets killed and 5 minutes later a monster with the same tattoo comes out of nowhere to give them hell. Really this movie is a sad waste of money and time, and anyone who gives it a rating other than 1 has absolutely no taste.

Going to the Mat (2004 TV Movie)

Going to the Mat scores!

[10/10 · 20 March 2004]

"Going to the Mat" is an extremely well acted (what we've come to expect from one of the Lawrence brothers) story about a boy Jace (Jason Newfield, played by Andrew Lawrence), who moves from New York City to an almost opposite environment in Utah. Now your probably thinking, whats so interesting about that? Well, Jace is blind, and is convinced by his "reader" to join the Wrestling team. Jace faces a lot of discrimination from his teammates, and changes his outlook on Utah. Definitely a Disney movie =). In the end, Jace makes new friends, becomes stronger emotionally, and, under the guidance of his band teacher, Mr. Wayatte (who shares his disability), learns to accept life as it comes at him. A must see movie, and a great performance by Andrew Lawrence, Khleo Thomas ("Fly"), Wayne Brady (Mr. Wyatte) and Alessandra Toreson (Mary Beth Rice).