Jester69 Reviews

Alone in the Dark (2005)

ughhh.....Bad,Bad movie!!!

[1/10 · 31 January 2005]

The title for this film would be more appropriate for the movie Ray. This has next to nothing to do with the game and no one is alone in the dark except the audience. I'll admit I'm one of the 7 people who liked House of the Dead even though it was bad. But at least it was entertaining, this film was just pathetic. Bad acting,directing and story??? I don't think there was much of a story. I may have missed some of the plot since my friends and I laughed through most of it. I must admit though, Uwe Boll is some kind of genius. How a film like this doesn't go direct to video and he still gets jobs is beyond me. I know the director is not all to blame since the writers ripped off The Relic,Tremors,Resident Evil and more. But they didn't do those films any justice. I'll admit, if the DVD has commentary, I will rent it just to see what the filmmakers could actually say about this mess.

Catwoman (2004)

Crap...but not boring!!!

[6/10 · 24 January 2005]

After working a 16 hour shift I strolled into my local Wal-Mart the day Catwoman was released to buy Cellular. I ended up buying Catwoman also since it was cheap and I was delirious from lack of sleep. I'm glad I got it. It was dumb but very entertaining. As a matter of fact I liked it quite a bit. The cgi effects looked very fake,the acting was bad and the story sucked. But it didn't bore me at all and to me that makes a good movie. I just want to be entertained and Catwoman didn't fail to do that. SPOILER!!!! The one major gripe I had was when Sharon Stone tossed the gun she used to kill her husband to Catwoman in order to frame Catwoman. Catwoman had gloves on and Sharon Stone didn't. Catwoman could have just dropped the gun, tossed it back or hold on to it until the cops showed up since Stones fingerprints were the ones on the gun. Didn't anyone see that?!?!?!? The music was pretty cheesy also.

Open Water (2003)

Don't believe the hype

[6/10 · 22 August 2004]

Did I see the same movie all the critics are raving about??? I saw a review that said this is the best shark movie since Jaws!! I thought Deep Blue Sea was a better shark movie! I admit it if I didn't read all the positive reviews I may have liked Open Water more but it's just not what I expected. Considering the budget it is impressive but scary?? Not at all. It's 2 people floating in the ocean while sharks are around them. That's about it. It's got a few good moments but not worth paying to see especially with the short running time. The best thing about this movie is the ending which isn't your typical ending. But I wouldn't run out to see this film. Rent it.

The Punisher (2004)

Worst comic adaptation ever...

[3/10 · 27 June 2004]

Wow, what a piece of crap. After seeing the trailers I really thought this would be an OK movie. Put it this way,the unreleased Fantastic 4 movie was more entertaining. The only thing this movie has going for it is the skull t-shirt. The original is much better and anyone who saw that knows it was no masterpiece. The main thing wrong with this flick is that it was boring.

It felt like a made for TV movie with some added violence. It was just...dull. Travolta did his worst acting of all time, jane was well, just there. I love the character of the Punisher and this was just a major disappointment. See the original or read the comics, much better than this crap.

Gerry (2002)

I finally found it!!!!

[29 April 2004]

I have been an avid movie fan for years and one question I always get is "What is the worst film you ever saw?" I never had an answer until now. Gerry is the one!!! This is the most boring movie ever made. I admit, I do like some crappy movies but it's because they entertain me. Aren't movies for entertainment?? Gerry is not entertaining. It's pretty darn awful. After the first 5 minutes of watching a car drive through the desert I thought it must get better. It doesn't. The entire script could have been written on a napkin(one side). I have seen family vacation videos more entertaining than this. This film is a disgrace!!! Gus Van Crap should not be allowed to make another film. I want those 60 minutes of my life back(the film is 90 mins but I had to fast forward a bit or I may have died of boredom). Did I mention that this movie just plain sucks!!!!!

High Tension (2003)

Good movie,bad twist

[7/10 · 25 January 2004]

After hearing so much about this movie I finally got to see it. Was it worth the wait? Yes and no. It was very good until the twist ending. The twist was very dumb and not explained to well. Movies like Identity have a twist and go back and explain how things happened. The twist in this movie is there for shock value only with no real explanation of what went on. Worth seeing for good suspense scenes.

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

I don't know why, but I like it.

[5/10 · 13 September 2003]

I saw this movie back in 83 when 3-d was making a comeback. I liked it a lot but I was young and it was 3-d. I've seen it a few times after that on HBO and still enjoyed it. I just recently got a 3-d dvd of the movie and I enjoyed it even more. Sure, it's crap but it's fun crap and I'm a sucker for 3-d movies. Watching this in 3-d in my own living room brought back memories. It's definately worth seeing in 3-d.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Is it just me???

[6/10 · 16 August 2003]

I consider myself a huge horror fan and I love the Freddy/Jason movies. But I was disappointed by Freddy vs Jason. I was so excited to see this film, especially after seeing that Ronny Yu was doing it. I think Ronny Yu made a great Chuck movie but Freddy vs Jason had none of his visual style. I thought the story was lacking and all you really get in the end is an over long stab fest between Freddy and Jason. I'm sorry but I wanted more.

Bad Boys II (2003)

What do you expect?!?!?!!!!

[10/10 · 20 July 2003]

I hate reading these reviews putting this movie down. This movie kicked ass plain and simple. It's a fun movie to watch and enjoy!!! Sure, there's not much of a plot but if you wanted that why would you go to see this film?? The only reason to see this film is because you want 2 1/2 hours of entertainment!!! That's what this is, pure fun.

The Zombie Chronicles (2001 Video)

The CRAP chronicles!!!

[2/10 · 16 July 2003]

I think I will make a movie next weekend. Oh wait, I'm working..oh I'm sure I can fit it in. It looks like whoever made this film fit it in. I hope the makers of this crap have day jobs because this film sucked!!! It looks like someones home movie and I don't think more than $100 was spent making it!!! Total crap!!! Who let's this stuff be released?!?!?!

Camp Blood (2000 Video)

oh so bad!!

[4/10 · 16 July 2003]

I only gave this film a 4 because I saw it in 3-d. If you don't see it in 3-d, I give it a 2. This movie is so bad it's not funny. Anyone can make a film like this for a weeks pay. Bad acting,effects and story!!! But it was cool to watch in 3d. Why can't they make good movies in the 3-d format???

Bad Boys (1995)

Yeah, I love this movie!!! really!!!

[9/10 · 9 May 2003]

This is a great movie by a great director. Michael Bay can do no wrong. His movies are pure mindless entertainment. He even turned the tragedy of Pearl Harbor into a fun summer movie. This is his best by far. Not a dull moment!! It's one of those films that you put on when you want to be entertained and can't figure out what to watch. I've seen it 10 times and will watch it another 10 before I die. Great action,comedy and eye candy. This is the ultimate action/buddy film. Can't wait til part 2!!!

Ghost Ship (2002)

not bad...not bad at all.

[7/10 · 2 April 2003]

Sure it has a lame script and idea but it was entertaining. I even thought the acting was pretty good for this type of movie. After seeing all the bad reviews, I wasn't sure if I should rent it. But it is definately worth a rent. If the DVD had commentary, I think I would buy it.

Trapped (I) (2002)

Hmmmm, I don't know

[6/10 · 21 March 2003]

I was entertained by this film until the end. I even felt that it was really good at some points. But then I had time to think about it. It is worth a rental but after thinking about it..it's an R rated TV movie. Looks good,acting is good but overall, nothing new.

Daredevil (2003)

Kingpin is not BLACK!!!

[7/10 · 17 March 2003]

I thought this was one of the best comic films ever and I was never a Daredevil or Affleck fan. But, I am a comic fan and and Kingpin is not black. I'm not racist but making Kingping black is like making Spiderman black, you just don't do it. If you never read the comics, then it will work for you but if you read them you are expecting a big fat white guy!!! I think Michael Clarke Duncan is a good actor but he is not Kingpin. Other than that, I thought the film was excellent!!! Why not have Brad Pitt play Blade in Blade 3??

One Hour Photo (2002)

Not too bad...I guess

[7/10 · 20 February 2003]

Before I knew it this movie was over. I wasn't bored and it held my attention until the end, so I guess that makes it ok. But something was missing. It's not a film that sticks with you but will hold your attention. Robin Williams was quite good but it was lacking something, I just don't know what it is for sure.

Ichi the Killer (2001)

Overrated

[7/10 · 16 February 2003]

Not a bad movie, but after reading all the hype I expected one kick ass movie. NOPE, cool movie but not worth running out to see and the violence is not as bad as reviews lead you to believe. Check out Audition or Visitor Q. Better films by the same director but once again, don't let reviews lead you to think you are in for a total gross out.

One Hell of a Christmas (2002)

One hell of a crappy movie

[2/10 · 7 January 2003]

I keep giving Fangoria movies a chance and keep being let down. This is it. I decided to give this one a chance because it is by the same maker as Angel of the Night which I thought was pretty good. No more, if Fangoria has their name on it I will steer clear. This movie SUCKED!!!! They may have a great magazine but they should think twice before putting their name on crap like this. AVOID at all costs!!!!

They Crawl (2001)

They...SUCK!!!!!

[1/10 · 7 January 2003]

I have noticed in a lot of my reviews I have mentioned how beer may make the movie better. There is not enough beer on Earth to make this movie watchable!!! This movie just...SUCKED!! Bad acting,story,plot,effects and so on. It's not even bad in a good way and I like bad movies. I have had more entertaining dumps than this flick!!

xXx (2002)

Bad acting,bad script, FUN movie!!!

[8/10 · 3 January 2003]

This movie sucks on most filmmaking levels. The acting and script are just plain sad but for 2 hours I was glued to the TV. This is a movie about just enjoying a movie. Put your brain on hold,sit back and have a good time. The action was cool and the script and acting was so bad you can't turn away. I enjoyed it, oh well.

Black Mask 2: City of Masks (2002)

You smell it????

[3/10 · 3 January 2003]

It's this movie, it stinks. I don't even know what to say. I bought this crap because I liked the first one a lot and figured it can't be that bad since the first one is no masterpiece. This movie is a steaming pile of dung. It is worth a rent just to see how bad it is but don't get ripped like me and buy this crap. I have to admit though, I laughed more during this movie than most comedies.

Formula 51 (2001)

Don't believe what you hear!!!!

[7/10 · 2 November 2002]

This was a really good movie. I've seen the trailers and had no interest in seeing this film then I found out Ronny Yu directed it. I ended up taking a chance and ordered the import DVD under the original title The 51st State. I'm glad I took the chance. Yes, it's dumb,yes, it's cheesy. But it had me interested beginning to end. It's a fun movie. Cool scenes,funny dialogue and a fast pace. It's not high art but it's a slick little film that holds your attention. I can't wait to listen to the commentary!!!

Jackass: The Movie (2002)

For Jackass Fans Only

[8/10 · 28 October 2002]

If you are not a jackass fan then you have no right to see or put down this movie. This movie is stupid,pointless and the most fun thing I've seen in a theater in years. Some of the gags do miss but the good ones are so funny I had tears in my eyes. Go see this with a bunch of friends after having a few and you will love it even more.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

Plot...No,Action...Yes

[5/10 · 29 September 2002]

This movie had no plot whatsoever but the action was quite good. I wouldn't run to the theater to see it but it's not bad. The story is pathetic but Kaos(ha-ha) has a good eye for action scenes. The worst thing about this movie is the acting. Lucy and Antonio have proved in the past that they have some acting ability but not here. A great rental!!!

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002)

It's entertaining

[6/10 · 28 August 2002]

Why do we watch movies??? To be entertained. This is a bad movie but I had a blast watching it. A movie can have bad acting,effects,story and more but if it keeps my attention, it works!!! If you aren't looking for the next Academy Award winner and just like to be entertained, this movie will do the job. If you are someone who's just into art and good acting, stay away!!! This is for beer drinking movie night!!!!