John C. Reilly credited as playing...
Cal Naughton Jr.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake 'n Bake!
- [puts hand out]
- Ricky Bobby: No, never again.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: You're right. I was like a total dick, man.
- Ricky Bobby: From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does Diablo mean?
- Ricky Bobby: It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
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- Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
- Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
- Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!
- Ricky Bobby: Come on!
- Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
- Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!
- Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.
- Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
- Chip: What is wrong with you?
- Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
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- Ricky Bobby: You can't have two number ones.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah, 'cause that would be eleven.
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- Jean Girard: [has Ricky in an arm lock] I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.
- Ricky Bobby: I'm not gonna say it.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Good.
- Ricky Bobby: Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?
- Jean Girard: I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.
- Ricky Bobby: Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!
- [he tries unsuccessfully to get free]
- Jean Girard: Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.
- Ricky Bobby: Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.
- Jean Girard: But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.
- Ricky Bobby: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah.
- Jean Girard: Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.
- Ricky Bobby: Oh, my god, I love those.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.
- Ricky Bobby: They come with cheese sometimes?
- Jean Girard: Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.
- Ricky Bobby: Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?
- Jean Girard: Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?
- Ricky Bobby: Oh, I love the crepe suzette.
- Jean Girard: With the sugar and lemon juice...
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.
- Jean Girard: Grand Marnier.
- Ricky Bobby: I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
- Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
- Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!
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- Jean Girard: Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
- Kyle: That is a fair compromise.
- Herschell: Very fair, actually.
- Ricky Bobby: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!
- Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.
- Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
- Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
- Ricky Bobby: [whispering] What do you think?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't say it.
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!
- Jean Girard: As you wish.
- [He breaks Ricky's arm]
- Ricky Bobby: [in pain] He actually did it!
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- Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?
- Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.
- [Chip is startled]
- Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
- Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.
- Ricky Bobby: Nice.
- Texas Ranger: She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
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- Jarvis: Cal, Ricky's passing you.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Do you think Ricky is passing me in my subconscious?
- Jarvis: No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.
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- Jean Girard: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
- Ricky Bobby: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did you eat some peanut butter or something?
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth
- Jean Girard: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.
- Ricky Bobby: You say you're French?
- Jean Girard: Oui.
- [sounds like 'We']
- Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
- Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
- Ricky Bobby: Chinese food?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food.
- Jean Girard: That's from China.
- Ricky Bobby: Pizza.
- Jean Girard: Italy.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga.
- Jean Girard: Mexico.
- Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
- Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.
- Ricky Bobby: Hey.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool.
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did he just say "husband"?
- Herschell: Wow... Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!
- Ricky Bobby: The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.
- [Ricky faints]
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky! Ricky! OH GOD!
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?
- Ricky Bobby: "If you have the stereo on..." Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Cause I like to party.
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- Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley.
- Carley Bobby: [raises hands] Woo!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Mhmm!
- Walker, Texas Ranger: Ow.
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- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?
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