Mousehunt (1997)
Lee Evans: Lars Smuntz
Photos
Quotes
-
Lars Smuntz : Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with... experience?
Maury : That's a switch. Most people like the cute little ones. Experience with what?
Ernie Smuntz : Mouse-hunting.
Maury : Ah, all cats are good mousers.
Ernie Smuntz : Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of 'em, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably one with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin'... one mean pussy.
Lars Smuntz : Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You have any of those, knocking about your cages?
Maury : Funny you should ask. I had given up hope of anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again.
Lars Smuntz , Ernie Smuntz : Again?
-
Lars Smuntz : I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive and left the pit just to mock us!
Ernie Smuntz : I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that...
[sees the mouse in his cereal bowl]
Ernie Smuntz : MOUSE!
-
[the mouse is lying helpless in front of Lars and Ernie]
Lars Smuntz : Look, he's still breathing.
Ernie Smuntz : Well, kill him! Find a blunt object!
[Lars grabs a fireplace shovel and raises it over the mouse]
Ernie Smuntz : Let him have it!
[Lars tries several times, but can't]
Ernie Smuntz : What the hell are you waiting for?
Lars Smuntz : I can't just hit him with a shovel.
Ernie Smuntz : Why not?
Lars Smuntz : Well, look at him, he's pathetic!
Ernie Smuntz : Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!
Lars Smuntz : Ernie, he's a living thing...
Ernie Smuntz : Not for long, give me that!
[He grabs the shovel and tries to whack the mouse, but can't]
Ernie Smuntz : I CAN'T!
[He sobs, beating his own forehead with the shovel]
Ernie Smuntz : Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike!
Lars Smuntz : We'd better do something quick, I think he's coming to!
[Cut to Lars and Ernie driving to the Post Office. Ernie is holding a small box addressed "TO FIDEL CASTRO, HAVANA, CUBA." Scratching is heard inside the box, and Ernie raises it to his ear]
Ernie Smuntz : Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box.
[Ernie chuckles evilly. At the Post Office, they drop the box through a slot and watch it slide down the mail chute]
Ernie Smuntz : ¡Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!
-
Ernie Smuntz : No capers? But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough!
[tapping the bell three times]
Ernie Smuntz : All right! Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back?
Lars Smuntz : [waves] Hi, Ernie!
Ernie Smuntz : Lars?
-
Ernie Smuntz : Shh! He's goin' for the cherries!
Lars Smuntz : I thought you said mice like Gouda.
Ernie Smuntz : Not in the morning! Cheese tires them out. They need fruit for energy.
-
[first lines]
Lars Smuntz : [at their father's funeral, they carry his coffin down the steps of a cathedral] Hold your end up higher, you're not holding it.
Ernie Smuntz : I am too.
Lars Smuntz : You are not.
Ernie Smuntz : Don't worry about me. Hey, isn't that suit charcoal?
Lars Smuntz : No.
Ernie Smuntz : Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. Couldn't even find a black suit for your own father's funeral.
Lars Smuntz : It's black.
Ernie Smuntz : No, I'm sure it's gray.
Lars Smuntz : It's black.
Ernie Smuntz : Gray.
Lars Smuntz : Black.
Ernie Smuntz : Gray.
Lars Smuntz : Black!
Ernie Smuntz : Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.
Lars Smuntz : It doesn't matter what color it is!
Ernie Smuntz : Ow!
[the handle on the coffin breaks off and the coffin slides down the steps]
Lars Smuntz : I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!
-
[the Smuntz Brothers have covered the entire kitchen floor with mousetraps]
Lars Smuntz : Don't you think this is a little... much?
Ernie Smuntz : Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says one of them has to nab him.
Lars Smuntz : Not bad.
Ernie Smuntz : Yes, well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on, let's hit the sack.
[they get up to leave, only to realize they locked the door and that they are all trapped in with a bunch of loaded mousetraps]
-
Lars Smuntz : [Ernie's in the hospital after being hit by a bus] Ernie, are you OK? I came as soon as I heard!
Ernie Smuntz : Why are you wearing a pink overcoat?
Lars Smuntz : Because April gave us the twelve hundred dollars!
-
Ernie and Lars' Lawyer : [reading Rudolph Smuntz's will] "I leave you not just a model factory, but something infinitely more valuable: The future of string... itself."
[a loud explosion; Ernie parts the blinds of the office window to see string raining down on the factory workers]
Ernie and Lars' Lawyer : "And thus, it is my dying wish... that my two sons run Smuntz String together."
Ernie Smuntz : [claps] Great. Let's stick a "for sale" sign on the front lawn and see what we can get.
Lars Smuntz : Ernie, we're not supposed to sell it. We're supposed to run it, together!
Ernie Smuntz : Either way, this godforsaken museum piece isn't worth a dime, now, is it, Lars?
Lars Smuntz : *Some* things are more important than money, *Ernie*.
Ernie Smuntz : Notice that it's always the financially challenged who say that?
[Lars stands up]
Ernie and Lars' Lawyer : [holds out his open palm] Please, please. "I also bequeath to you my personal effects, including... my ceramic egg... half box of Cuban cigars... and--" Oh, yes, yes. "My-my collection of spoons."
[empties the contents from a box one at a time and sets them down on the table]
Ernie Smuntz : [sarcastically] My goodness, what a treasure, what a legacy.
[grabs the spoons]
Ernie Smuntz : *Spoons*! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time!
-
Ernie Smuntz : [after releasing the cat into the house] Well... I almost feel sorry for the little fella.
[pause]
Ernie Smuntz , Lars Smuntz : Almost!
[they laugh and leave]
-
Ernie Smuntz : [reading the tag on the side of the cage] "Catzilla"?
Maury : Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that. But you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks more like a "Fluffy."
Lars Smuntz : [leans down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!
Ernie Smuntz : You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too...
[the cat lunges, Maury subdues him with a taser]
Lars Smuntz : [noticing his torn coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!
Ernie Smuntz : We'll take him!
-
Ernie Smuntz : [taking off his hat to a female passerby] Hey, Merry Christmas!
[she drops some change in his hat and keeps walking]
Ernie Smuntz : Yeah, I was on top once, too. But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby! Down! No...
[he brushes off the limo driver and flings the change into a sewer grate]
Lars Smuntz : Ernie!
[Lars picks up a coin from the snow]
Lars Smuntz : Ernie! Ernie, there was a quarter in there.
Ernie Smuntz : A quarter? You think so small, Lars. Look at the bigger picture. You have no home, you have no wife, you have no money, you have no discernible talents! How can you ignore that?
Lars Smuntz : Ernie, it's Christmas. Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we should be thankful for what we *do* have.
-
Alexander Falko : I'll get to the point. LaRue: I have his books, I have his letters. You see these shoes?
Ernie Smuntz , Lars Smuntz : [looking down at the shoes] LaRue's?
Alexander Falko : No, but I'm sure he would have loved them.
-
[Ernie takes a shotgun off the wall]
Lars Smuntz : What are you gonna do?
Ernie Smuntz : I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all.
Lars Smuntz : Ernie, no, no...
Ernie Smuntz : Stay back, Lars! I'm a man on a mission!
Lars Smuntz : This is how accidents happen, come on, Ernie, just put the gun down...
Ernie Smuntz : I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain from here to kingdom come!
-
Ernie Smuntz : [Caesar is being carried out on a stretcher] Oh, my God!
Lars Smuntz : Caesar! What happened?
Cop : Please, sir, he's not well.
Ernie Smuntz : Try to think. Did you kill the mouse?
Caesar : What's that? *Horse*? *Fiendish*! I won't eat it!
[screams and chatters like a mouse as he's loaded into an ambulance]
Caesar : Squeak, squeak...
Ernie Smuntz : How'd you find him? Where was he?
Cop : 911 call. No voice, but we could hear screaming in the background. He was locked in a trunk in the attic. We'll call you if we get any leads.
-
[the Smuntz Brothers get covered in sewage in trying to suck up the mouse with a vacuum, only to get it attached to the sewage line. Meanwhile, a banker named Theodore Plumb hammers notice from the bank to the front door]
Ernie Smuntz : [seeing the notice] What's this?
Theodore Plumb : We're foreclosing on your house. You quit paying your mortgage.
Ernie Smuntz : Oh, wait a minute, I think there's been some mistake. This house is paid for.
Theodore Plumb : No, it *was* paid for, but you borrowed against it. If you don't pay the twelve hundred dollars overdue, we repossess it.
Lars Smuntz : [in disbelief] Twelve hundred dollars?
Ernie Smuntz : How long do we have?
Theodore Plumb : One week from, uh, five days ago.
Ernie Smuntz : [shocked] That's two days! Look, we don't have the time or the energy to deal with these petty problems now. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.
Theodore Plumb : [noticing that they're covered in sewage] Looks like you're off to a great start.
-
Lars Smuntz : [as his wife is packing a suitcase] Please, April, don't go.
April Smuntz : [scoffs] I'm not going anywhere.
[slams the suitcase shut; frame cuts to Lars standing on the porch with the suitcase]
-
Lars Smuntz : We made love in a way I've-I've only ever seen in nature films!
-
Lars Smuntz : [they are trying to vacuum up the mouse, they instead are vacuuming up sewage] Goddamn, the mouse stinks!
Ernie Smuntz : Dead animals always do.
[they start laughing maniacally]
-
Ernie Smuntz : I hate you!
Lars Smuntz : And I hate you!
Ernie Smuntz : Not as much as I hate you!
Lars Smuntz : Yeah!
Ernie Smuntz : Yeah, DOUBLE! DOUBLE! Oh, give me something!
[Starts looking for something to throw. Lars grabs an orange]
Ernie Smuntz : I'm gonna brain you!
Lars Smuntz : 'Ere it is!
Ernie Smuntz : Oh, yeah! Give it to me then! Go ahead!
[Lars throws the orange. Ernie ducks and the orange hits the mouse, who was watching. Ernie spots the mouse]
Ernie Smuntz : [almost relieved] You killed him!
[laughs with joy]
Lars Smuntz : I didn't even know he was there.
Ernie Smuntz : Just think of all the trouble we could've saved ourselves if we just threw fruit at him in the first place.
-
[quoting his father]
Lars Smuntz : A world without string is chaos.
-
Lars Smuntz : You used to love string.
April Smuntz : That was before, when I was dating the son of wealthy string magnate! Not now when I am married to the half-owner of a worthless deathtrap!
-
Lars Smuntz : Ah, you must be Caesar.
Ernie Smuntz : Hello, Mr. Caesar. Glad you could come so quickly.
Caesar : Shh.
[examines the room, tapping on the wall, smelling the bannister]
Caesar : You have mice.
Lars Smuntz : [under his breath] He's good.
-
[Ernie shoots at the mouse with a gun, but misses twice and reloads]
Lars Smuntz : Are you crazy? You're blowing the whole house up! The *only* thing you haven't hit so far is the *mouse*! Why don't you give somebody else a chance with that gun?
[Ernie cocks and aims between his brother's eyes with a dark scowl]
Lars Smuntz : [quickly] You're doing a wonderful job.
-
[Lars and Ernie have fallen into the basement; the mouse stares down at them]
Ernie Smuntz : God, I hate that mouse.
[the telephone rings]
Ernie Smuntz : [over answering machine] When you hear the beep, start talking.
[beep]
Vinny : [over phone] Mr. Smuntz, this is Vinny from Zeppco calling. We waited in the square for over an hour, but you never showed. We do not appreciate being treated this way, especially after your brother already turned down our generous offer. Consider our proposal withdrawn.
[Lars and Ernie glare at each other as the phone hangs up]
Lars Smuntz : [bursts through the basement door] Betrayed by my own brother.
Ernie Smuntz : [follows Lars out] Betrayal? Don't talk to me about betrayal! You should've told me about that offer! Half that factory is mine!
Lars Smuntz : And half is m--! And half is mine, including the half that *you* tried to sell!
Ernie Smuntz : Yes, and *would* have if it hadn't been for that stinkin' bus!
Lars Smuntz : Bus? You can't leave well enough alone, can you? Y-y-you ruin everything!
Ernie Smuntz : *Me*? You-- You blame me for this?
Lars Smuntz : [points down] LOOK! You blew a hole in the floor!
Ernie Smuntz : Yeah? Well, I *distinctly* remember somebody yelling, "Shoot! Shoot!"
Lars Smuntz : Yeah? Well, you've never listened to me before!
Ernie Smuntz : And you know why?
Lars Smuntz : [goes into the living room and sits down in an armchair] Why?
Ernie Smuntz : [follows Lars in] Because I have no *respect* for you! Spending your whole life in that stupid factory! It's tragic.
Lars Smuntz : [stands up] You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life? You think I didn't have... ambitions of my own?
Ernie Smuntz : Come on, you loved string.
Lars Smuntz : I didn't love string.
Ernie Smuntz : Well, you could've fooled me! You and Pop were always huddled together, running *some* piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter *what* I did! I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for his seventieth birthday.
Lars Smuntz : [turns away and leans on the piano] Oh, no...
Ernie Smuntz : Yes! You remember! Oh, I *slaved* over that meal, making sure everything was perfect! Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the *string* I had tied it with.
[sighs sadly]
Ernie Smuntz : He was crazy... but I still wanted his approval. I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out.
Lars Smuntz : [scoffs] There you go again, blaming everything else but yourself. You think you're a success, huh? Well, you... can't... cook!
Ernie Smuntz : I hate you!
Lars Smuntz : And I hate you!
Ernie Smuntz : Not as much as I hate *you*!
Lars Smuntz : Yeah?
Ernie Smuntz : Yeah, double! *Double*!
-
Auctioneer : Built in 1876, the last LaRue known in existence has five bedrooms...
Lars Smuntz : [whispering] Did you see him?
Ernie Smuntz : [whispering] Yes!
Lars Smuntz : I thought so.
Ernie Smuntz : He ate the string.
Lars Smuntz : What?
Ernie Smuntz : The string. Pop's lucky string! The son of a bitch ate it! Why didn't you tell me you saw him?
Lars Smuntz : I didn't, but I found this.
[shows Ernie a box with a hole in the corner; Ernie snatches the box]
Ernie Smuntz : [sadly] I told you, you should've weighed him.
Lars Smuntz : I'm sorry. Did you see where it went?
Ernie Smuntz : No, but it can't have gone far.
Auctioneer : Well, shall we start the bidding at one million dollars?
-
Ernie Smuntz : Well, it wasn't easy, but we finally made it.
Lars Smuntz : Mmm-hmm. Ernie, I want you to have something.
[takes a handkerchief out of his coat, unfolds it, and hands a piece of string to Ernie; Ernie sighs happily]
Ernie Smuntz : Pop's lucky piece of string. I'm glad you kept it.
Lars Smuntz : He, uh, he wanted us to share it. I don't know why, but... I think if he were here right now, he'd be proud of you.
Ernie Smuntz : I think he'd be proud of us.
-
[from trailer]
Roscoe Lee Browne : The Smuntz Brothers have inherited their father's old house.
Lars Smuntz : I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!
-
Lars Smuntz : Looks like Caesar decided to make himself a sandwich.
Ernie Smuntz : Pickles, arugula and capers. He toasted the side with the cheese... but not the other side... so the arugula doesn't wilt. How did he know that?
[the sandwich starts to crawl away from Ernie's hand]
-
Lars Smuntz : Wow, I can't believe Pop never told us about this house. It's huge!
Ernie Smuntz : Eh, this is just the kind of house I'd expect him to have. It's just like him: Cold and spooky.
Lars Smuntz : [shudders] Did you feel that?
Ernie Smuntz : What?
Lars Smuntz : I got a chill. You shouldn't talk about Pop like that.
Ernie Smuntz : [sarcastically] Really? What's *this* do for you?
[yells to his father's spirit; Lars plugs his ears]
Ernie Smuntz : Thanks for *nothin'*, you string-sucking old loon!
Lars Smuntz : [unplugs his ears and looks heavenward; whispering while shaking his head] He didn't mean it, Pop.
-
[Ernie and Lars have found several posters in the attic; Ernie unrolls one on the kitchen table; they study it]
Ernie Smuntz : They're blueprints.
Lars Smuntz : Wow.
Ernie Smuntz : Wait a minute, look at this date! "1876"! A centennial house could actually be worth something!
Lars Smuntz : This must be the architect, here, look. "Charles... Lyle LaRue." Charles Lyle LaRue.
Ernie Smuntz : Charles Lyle LaRue?
