M*A*S*H (1972–1983)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Hawkeye : War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy : How do you figure, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye : Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
Father Mulcahy : Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye : Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
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Frank Burns : This is the last straw!
Hawkeye : Remind me to order more straws.
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Frank Burns : I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye : You're only off by two letters.
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Frank Burns : Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.
Hawkeye : Very good, Frank.
B.J. : They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.
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Hawkeye : Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.
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Hawkeye : I'm too frightened to be scared.
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[Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye]
Hawkeye : Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.
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Frank Burns : You disgust me!
Hawkeye : You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.
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Hawkeye : Insanity is just a state of mind
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[to Margaret]
Hawkeye : Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
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[South Koreans are being taught to speak English]
Frank Burns : We're making real progress.
Hawkeye : I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
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Frank Burns : Why don't you guys like me?
Hawkeye : Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
Frank Burns : Aside from that.
B.J. : Well, there's your pimples.
Frank Burns : My pores won't close.
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Father Mulcahy : [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.
Hawkeye : If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.
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Hawkeye : [speaking to Klinger] Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.
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Hawkeye : If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.
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Hawkeye : How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.
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Hawkeye : [after discovering a patient that is a baby] Boy, did his draft board go crazy!
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Hawkeye : [in describing the Swamp] We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.
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[Calling Maj. Freedman]
Hawkeye : Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?
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Frank Burns : All right, where's my razor?
Hawkeye : Been shaving your legs again, Frank?
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Hawkeye : Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.
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Hawkeye : You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.