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Reviews
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)
Not Funny
There is nothing wrong with stupid humor, but there is big problem with just plain stupid.
I am a big Larry the Cable Guy fan. His comedy, either solo or with the other Blue Collar guys, is very entertaining, original, and pretty darn smart.
I also have nothing against him getting a Hollywood payday, but it looks like he and everyone else just mailed it in for this movie.
Here are a few tips for the filmmakers if anyone is dumb enough to give them a second chance:
1. If you're going to make fun of disabled people, you better be damn funny (consult the Farrelly Bros. on this) or else you will come off like a sick mean SOB
2. Fart jokes are funny only if used in moderation
3. Give the audience some credit: they know Larry the Cable Guy or else they wouldn't be watching the movie, so starting the movie with a butt crack shot is not really necessary (or funny)
To give credit where due, there are a couple of funny moments in this snoozefest. One is when the trailer trash mother of Larry's girlfriend-to-be mimics our hero. The other is at the end of the movie, when they drop hints about making a sequel. Now that's hilarious!
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Only One Flaw
Saw this last Friday on a stormy night in Kansas City and it did not disappoint.
Plot Summary: Snakes on a Plane! Snakes on a Plane!
This movie is so full of plot holes that only a complete and utter moron (e.g., someone with a single digit IQ or the director of Tokyo Drift) wouldn't get that this is pure escapist entertainment. If you're going to go over-the-top, go way-way-way over the top.
Spoiler alert: Snakes on a Plane! Snakes on a Plane!
Sam Jackson is superb, the snakes are awessssome, and the movie is a textbook example of how to entertain people with gratuitous nudity and violence.
The only flaw is that the rapper-dude character is not killed by the snakes, although that may be the only thing that is not completely predictable, and awesome, in this otherwise excellent movie.
I am sure there will be a sequel, I am sure I will see it, and I am sure it will be horrible.
But at least we got to see: Snakes on Plane! Snakes on a Plane!
Torque (2004)
Top Flight Entertainment on Cable
First, my condolences to anyone who paid money to see this movie in the theater, although you've now had two years to get over it and pick up enough spare change to compensate for the loss of funds.
That was then.
This is now, where Torque rules as a great movie to watch on television. Many thanks to the people over at TNT for putting this masterpiece of Grade B entertainment in its weekend rotation.
No problem if you miss the first 45 minutes of the movie - in fact, I recommend it. The good stuff starts when the main characters are at a dusty diner somewhere out in the desert. I wasn't paying enough attention to tell you what led up to this, but one of the good guys pulls out a shotgun and it starts rocking from there.
The special effects are way-way-way over the top and it's even better when you can replay and stop-action the stunts. The race through "The Palms," the motorcycle chase on top of a passenger train, and Dane Cook's comic relief are all highly entertaining. And I'm pretty sure I've never seen anything like the 60 mph fight scene on motorcycles between between the "bad biker chick" (dark hair, lots of nasty piercings) and the "good biker chick" (blonde, no visible piercings), which ends with the viewer pondering this question: How much do you think Mountain Dew paid for product placement?
Of course, no review would be complete without expressing great appreciation to Ice Cube for the best and most consistent display of scowling in recent memory.
A must see, I must say.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
Worse than the worst movie ever
We just saw this movie in Kansas City and to say that it was a huge disappointment does not begin to tell how bad it was. The race sequences were okay, but there is absolutely no point to the dialog or plot. This movie is unbelievably demeaning to women, starting with the blonde babe at the beginning who offers herself as the prize to the winner of the race between the Lucas Black character and the ex-kid from Home Improvement, and continuing with the Janet Jackson look-a-like who has nothing to offer but coy smiles and short skirts (not that there's anything wrong with that). What's worse is the fact that Lucas Black is cast as a 17 year old, when he looks like he's already in his thirties, and the Yakuza uncle character who looks like he's doing a very weak imitation of Don Fanucci from Godfather II. We were hoping for a little summer entertainment, a la Transporter 2, but what we got instead was too little action and too much posing. Whoever wrote the screenplay for this piece of garbage should be blacklisted from Hollywood. In fact, to say that this was worse than the worst movie ever gives it too much credit. It is the worst movie imaginable.