BA_Harrison Reviews

A Whisper in the Dark (1976)

It was all going so well...

[7/10 · 22 May 2024]

I wish that the last few minutes of this film didn't exist: rarely has an ending to a film ruined things so much.

For the most part, A Whisper in the Dark is a haunting ghost story: Alessandro Poggi plays 11-year-old Martino, who has an imaginary brother called Luca; unknown to Martino, he once had a sibling of the same name, who was born prematurely and died shortly after. Is 'imaginary' Luca actually the ghost of the dead child, and is he responsible for the bad things that happen to people who upset Martino?

Employing a slow burn approach, director Marcello Aliprandi carefully builds the suspense and eerie atmosphere, with inexplicable occurrences adding to the evidence that Luca is real and not just a figment of Martino's imagination. Eventually, Martino's mother Camilla (Nathalie Delon) starts to believe her son and, realising that the supernatural presence could be due to her inability to accept the loss of her baby, decides to help Luca find peace.

And that's where the film should have ended.

Instead, there's a ridiculous final scene in which Martino and his family are having breakfast, the boy still convinced that Luca is there, the rest of the family playing along. It makes no sense and spoils an otherwise very good movie.

6.5/10, rounded down to 6 for the ending (although Pino Donaggio's excellent score nearly had me rounding it up).

Sting (2024)

Oh, I'm an alien, I'm an eight-legged alien, I'm a space spider in New York.

[4/10 · 21 May 2024]

If you're after a scary spider flick guaranteed to have you feeling uncomfortable while watching, check out the French film Infested, which employs hundreds of real spiders. Sting, on the other hand, is a predictably dumb, clichéd B-movie creature feature with an unconvincing CGI spider. It's not even close.

Alyla Browne plays obnoxious 12-year-old brat Charlotte (see what they did there?), who adopts a spider as her pet, unaware that the creature is from outer space. Sting, as Charlotte names the alien arachnid, rapidly grows to enormous size and feeds upon the occupants of the apartment building.

Written and directed by Kiah Roache-Turner (Wyrmwood, Nekrotronic), this film is about as formulaic as it gets, with predictable plot developments and stock characters (resourceful young protagonist, her loving mother and protective stepfather, a grouchy old lady destined to be spider lunch, and comedy-relief bug exterminator). The trite script conveniently spares the family unit from being devoured, sees the building equipped with air ducts large enough for adults to fit inside, and throws in a major contrivance in the form of mothballs, which conveniently repel Sting and dissolve her webs.

The direction is polished, but by playing much of the film tongue-in-cheek, Roache-Turner ensures that scares and tension are virtually non-existent. The film is also very light on the gore. As a mindless piece of popcorn entertainment, it's passable, I suppose, but I would have liked less of the familial drama, and for the film to have been more daring rather than treading such a familiar and safe path.

Thirst (1979)

Vampires down under.

[6/10 · 20 May 2024]

This unconventional Australian vampire movie stars Chantal Contouri as successful businesswoman Kate Davis, who is abducted by a secret society of vampires and taken to a 'farm', where human livestock is drained of blood, which is then processed to remove contaminants before being packaged for consumption worldwide. Kate is informed that she is a descendent of OG vampire Elisabeth Bathory and must accept her birthright as an aristocratic blood-drinker, the plan being for her to marry a vampire from another noble family, thereby uniting two superior bloodlines. Naturally, Kate struggles to accept this (not surprising, since she already has a boyfriend, Derek, played by Rod Mullinar), so the vampires attempt to condition her to come around to their way of thinking. Kind vampire Dr. Fraser (David Hemmings) disagrees with the brainwashing process and attempts to help Kate escape.

Like Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary (1975) and Martin (1977), Thirst, Australia's first vampire film, does away with the gothic conventions associated with the genre: these vampires are not affected by sunlight (which is a good job, given where they live), do not possess real fangs, and have no aversion to garlic, holy water and crosses. While it's not an entirely successful effort to contemporise vampire cinema - the pace is rather slow, and the structure of the film, with its numerous dreamlike sequences, can lead to confusion - the good outweighs the bad: the blood-draining scenes are suitably bizarre and grotesque, the cast is solid, Brian May's score is great, and there are a few memorable moments, including Kate's 'blood shower', a vampire drowning in a vat of blood, and Henry Silva's character falling from a helicopter onto high-voltage power lines.

The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)

The Lurkers: Chapter 1.

[3/10 · 19 May 2024]

I had heard some terrible things about this movie, so I had to go see for myself. While I still think that Tarot is the worst horror film of the year so far, The Strangers Chapter 1 is definitely not good.

Madelaine Petsch and Froy Gutierrez play young couple Maya and Ryan, whose car breaks down in Podunk, Oregon, forcing them to spend the night in an Airbnb in the middle of the woods. While they are there, they are attacked by The Strangers, three mask-wearing psychos with murder on their minds. And that's the entire plot. The rest of film comprises of Maya and Jeff hiding and running and screaming and running and hiding. And screaming. And hiding. All the while, the killers are lurking. There's lots of lurking.

Neither Maya nor Jeff display any resourcefulness, nor much in the way of intelligence, Jeff in particular failing to make good decisions throughout: he leaves Maya on her own while he goes into town to get his asthma inhaler (does he only carry the one with him on long journeys?), and when he has the opportunity to take one of the attackers out of the equation, he doesn't, leading to the capture of both him and his girlfriend. It's hard to feel sorry for such an idiot.

Director Renny Harlin manages one or two effective jump scares and even a bit of atmosphere, but the bulk of the film is predictable by-the-numbers horror, without any imagination or style (or gore) , making the hour and a half feel a lot longer than it is. And this is only the first chapter. I foresee diminishing returns.

The Wrong Box (1966)

Great cast; weak execution.

[4/10 · 18 May 2024]

Twenty men enter their sons into a tontine lottery, each placing £1000 into the scheme, the total sum going to whichever child lives the longest. Years later, and only two are still alive: brothers Masterman and Joseph Finsbury (John Mills and Ralph Richardson). Joseph's nephews Morris and John (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) have their eyes on the prize and will do whatever it takes to ensure that their uncle is last to die.

The Wrong Box is one of those knockabout all-star comedies so popular in the '60s: it plays like It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (but thankfully a lot shorter) crossed with an Ealing black comedy; sadly, it's less funny than the former and lacks the charm of the Ealing classics.

The film's main failing is that it simply isn't very funny. Peter Sellers gets a few decent laughs as an unscrupulous backstreet physician, Richardson is entertaining when spouting random facts, and Wilfrid Lawson is amusing as elderly butler Peacock, but the majority of the usually reliable cast (which includes Michael Caine and Nanette Newman as lovestruck 'cousins' Michael and Julia, Tony Hancock as a police detective, Thorley Walters as Lawyer Patience, John Le Mesurier as Doctor Slattery, and Irene Handl as Mrs. Hackett) are given very little to work with.

The weak farce consists of ridiculous mix-ups, attempted murder, and Victorian moral values, and ends with a chase scene involving several hearses and a beer wagon, all of which has comedic potential, but the gags are mostly uninspired and fall flat.

Tutti defunti... tranne i morti (1977)

Poopy.

[2/10 · 17 May 2024]

Me and Italian comedy don't get along. Me and Pupi Avati don't get along either (I'm one of the few who found The House with Laughing Windows incredibly dull). So guess what... I really didn't like Tutti defunti... tranne i morti, a weak spoof of the giallo and old dark house genres which I found about as funny as being attacked by a razor-wielding psycho wearing a black fedora and cape.

Carlo Delle Piane plays bookseller Dante, who goes to the mansion of the Zanotti family to try and interest them in a book which mentions their ancestors; while he is there, a maniac in regulation giallo attire begins to bump off the eccentric family members (who have gathered for the funeral of the marquis, Ignazio) in an effort to fulfil the prophecy within the book and consequently reveal the whereabouts of a hidden treasure.

With the genre ripe for parody, this film could have been hilarious, but the broad comedy is too imbecilic to work, Avati and his cast resorting to bad slapstick that is more irritating than funny. The 'comedic' scenes include the death of a simpleton by electrocution (his anti-masturbation device plugged into a high voltage power supply), murder by hairdryer, a very stupid game of Russian roulette, the discovery of a midget in a fridge, and another dead midget in a parcel. But the worst moments come courtesy of Gianni Cavina as private detective Martini, whose dreadful Inspector Clouseau-style buffoonery is simply embarrassing.

2/10 for gorgeous Francesca Marciano as Ilaria, who for some reason finds Dante and his strange nose irresistible, and for Greta Vayan as sexy nurse Hilde, who has just as bad taste in men as Ilaria.

Nightwing (1979)

They'll be gone when the morning comes.

[5/10 · 17 May 2024]

A colony of plague-carrying vampire bats are causing havoc on a Native American reservation in New Mexico, first attacking farm animals and then people. It's up to deputy Youngman Duran (Nick Mancuso), his girlfriend Anne (Kathryn Harrold), and vampire bat exterminator Phillip Payne (David Warner) to try and locate the bats' roost and destroy the flying terrors.

When the vampires are attacking, Nightwing is a blast, E. T.'s special effects man Carlo Rambaldi providing bat props for the occasion (not always convincing but a lot of fun). The big problem with the film is that too much time is spent on clichéd Native American superstition and the unscrupulous industrialists who seek to desecrate the land for money; the mystical mumbo jumbo and trite ecological sub-plot cause the film to stagnate at times and add immensely to the runtime. Had much of the tribal folklore and religion been removed from the film, we would have had a much leaner and more entertaining creature feature.

As it is, Nightwing is a sporadically enjoyable movie, with the ever-reliable Warner providing the undeniable highlights: his character's diatribes about how vampire bats are evil and need to be eradicated are great.

Cave of the Sharks (1978)

Eh oh!

[3/10 · 16 May 2024]

Bermuda: Cave of the Sharks is just one of many Italian shark-themed movies to follow in the wake of Jaws, but I wouldn't class it as a rip-off of Spielberg's film; I certainly wouldn't call it a horror. In fact, I'm not sure how to label the film, as it spans several genres, including crime, thriller, adventure, and sci-fi/fantasy. It doesn't do any of them very well.

Andrés García plays diver Andres Montoya, who, together with his friend Enrique (Pino Colizzi), is hired by criminal Mr. Jackson (Arthur Kennedy) to salvage a box from a plane that has crashed somewhere in the Bermuda triangle. The men successfully locate the box, but they also find a mysterious cave guarded by sharks, which may hold the key to unlocking Andres's amnesia.

Directed with little energy by Tonino Ricci, shoddily edited and boasting some of the most laughable miniature effects shots I have ever seen (the airplane scene is terrible), the film is a failure on almost every level. The story is all over the place, the film never more baffling than when a group of young people on a boat - who we haven't been introduced to - jump into the sea and drown (one of them definitely deserves his watery fate for singing a truly terrible song to his friends).

Only in the final five minutes or so does the film provide anything else of note, as Andres's girlfriend Angelica (Janet Agren) dives to the cave, with the double-crossing Mr. Jackson sending his henchmen in hot pursuit. Andres rescues Angelica by shooting the other divers and feeding them to the sharks, resulting in shredded torsos and severed limbs; unfortunately for Andres, he isn't fast enough out of the water and has his leg torn off before disappearing under the waves.

We never learn what is in the box or the secret of the cave (although we do get to see the silhouette of some strange being - possibly Dipsy from the Teletubbies).

Claws (1977)

We're going on a bear hunt...

[4/10 · 15 May 2024]

Like Grizzly (1976), Claws uses Spielberg's Jaws as its template, substituting the shark for a wild bear and the ocean for the wilds of Alaska. But where Grizzly was competently made, with a reasonable cast and some gory deaths, Claws feels more like a made-for-TV movie - a relatively tame effort with poor direction, choppy editing (including numerous cheesy flashbacks), and a forgettable cast, with a lot of the runtime spent on travelogue scenery and stock wildlife footage. It's a shame, because the plot is decent enough...

Five years after surviving an attack by a rogue grizzly bear, logger Jason Monroe (Jason Evers) learns that his son Bucky has become the latest victim of the savage animal and decides to settle the score once and for all, teaming up with three other locals to track down the beast. The scene is set for a tense 'man vs nature' showdown, but what we get isn't very thrilling, actual encounters with the bear being few and far between (and what there is is severely lacking in excitement).

The most interesting aspect of the film is that superstitious locals believe the bear to be an evil spirit able to take different forms (which might explain the animal's supernatural ability to snap a tree in half!), but at the end of the day, some gasoline and a flare gun put paid to that idea.

4/10.

The Day After Halloween (1979)

I love me a bit of Ozploitation. Unless it's by director Simon Wincer.

[3/10 · 13 May 2024]

Snapshot is a cautionary tale for young women looking to enter the fashion or movie industry, where predatory men (and women) take advantage of naive new models and actresses; it's also a thriller of sorts, hairdresser turned model Angela (Sigrid Thornton) finding herself menaced by a stalker.

Director Simon Wincer gave us the bizarre 1980 'horror' Harlequin, a baffling film made all the more strange and incomprehensible by Wincer's offbeat film-making style. Snapshot suffers from the same shortcomings: it's full of moments that make no sense, and the whole thing feels 'off', making it a very unsatisfying viewing experience.

Hugh Keays-Byrne's unusual performance as crazy photographer Linsey; Angela's balding, ice-cream-truck-driving ex-boyfriend Daryl (Vincent Gil), who was clearly punching above his weight; the pointless make-up-wearing, leather-clad rock and roll singer who curls his lip; the guppy fish comment; the pig's head in the bed: none of this works, and as for the ending... tell me I wasn't dreaming.

3/10 for getting Thornton topless as often as possible, but the film ain't good.

Dracula (1979)

Sexy Drac.

[7/10 · 12 May 2024]

Directed by John Badham (Saturday Night Fever, WarGames), this lavish version of Bram Stoker's Dracula presents the infamous vampire (played by Frank Langella) as a handsome and irresistibly seductive creature, who uses his brooding sexual magnetism to beguile his female victims, Mina Van Helsing (Jan Francis) and Lucy Seward (Kate Nelligan). Other Draculas had been presented as sexy, but not to quite the extent that Langella's count is in this film - he's quite the lady killer (literally!). Attempting to stop Dracula from taking his fiancé Lucy for his bride is Jonathan Harker (Trevor Eve), aided by Mina's father Professor Abraham Van Helsing (Laurence Olivier).

With excellent performances (including another great turn by horror legend Donald Pleasence as Lucy's father Dr. Seward), superb cinematography and a wonderfully rousing score by John Williams, Badham's Dracula is excellent entertainment, even though it does stray from the novel quite a bit, altering the relationships and names of some of the characters and transposing all of the action to Edwardian England (with Harker never setting foot in Transylvania). I was more annoyed by the tarantula in Carfax Abbey, a bit out of place, but not as daft as the armadillos in the 1931 Dracula.

Badham goes all out with the 'gothicness', delivering several amazingly atmospheric scenes that are amongst the most visually striking in vampire cinema: Langella climbing down the wall of Dr. Seward's asylum to reach Mina, a seduction scene with a blood-red laser backdrop, and the white horse in the misty cemetery stomping on Mina's grave. The production design is perhaps a little over the top (Carfax Abbey looks like a Halloween theme park attraction) but it is certainly memorable. As far as visceral horror goes, the throat gouging of the captain of the Demeter and Renfield's head being wrenched backwards should do the trick.

For some, the romanticism/sexiness of the production, and the alterations to the story, will be reason enough to dislike Badham's movie, but in my opinion this version is far more preferable to Coppola's 1992 movie, which does exactly the same thing, only in a less enjoyable fashion.

Mama Dracula (1980)

Comedy is subjective, unless we're talking about Mama Dracula.

[1/10 · 12 May 2024]

I refuse to believe that anyone could find Mama Dracula funny. It just isn't. If you think that Eastern Europeans pronouncing their Vs as Ws and wice wersa (see what I did there?) is comedy gold, you're wrong - besides, this idea was simply stolen from Andy Warhol's Blood for Dracula.

Academy Award winner Louise Fletcher plays Countess Dracula, who keeps herself eternally young by bathing in the blood of virgins, which is becoming harder and harder to come by, even with her twin sons (the hugely irritating Wajnberg brothers) helping to abduct young women; to solve this problem, the countess hires scientist Professor Van Bloed (James Shuman) to find a way to make artificial plasma.

How the hell did Fletcher wind up in this abysmal film? Did she sign along the dotted line while drunk, or didn't she bother reading the script beforehand? There's not one moment in this entire movie that is funny or which makes any sense. It's a collection of painfully inept scenes thrown together in a haphazard fashion by Belgian writer/director Boris Szulzinger. It's no surprise to me that he didn't make any more films after this one.

1/10.

Murder by Decree (1979)

Sherlock in Whitechapel.

[8/10 · 10 May 2024]

There's no doubt in my mind that the identity of Jack the Ripper is known to certain people, written down in top-secret files, locked away to avoid scandal and embarrassment. Murder by Decree explores the theory that 'Saucy Jack' was somehow connected to those in power at the time, with fictional sleuth Sherlock Holmes (Christopher Plummer) investigating the murders and discovering the shocking truth.

Murder by Decree wasn't the first film to pit Holmes against The Ripper - A Study in Terror pulled off the same trick in 1965 - but this film is the more prestigious and proficient of the two, with stylish direction by Bob Clark, plenty of brutality, intrigue and conspiracy, a wonderfully atmospheric, fog-shrouded London, and an excellent cast that includes the likes of Donald Sutherland, David Hemmings, Frank Finlay, Sir John Gielgud, Anthony Quayle, Geneviève Bujold and Dot from Eastenders.

Clark directs with an assured hand, working from an intelligent script that follows the facts more closely than A Study In Terror (an entertaining film in its own right, but less concerned with historical accuracy). Plummer make for a fine Holmes but is Mason who impresses the most as Dr. Watson, a loveable, brave and, above all, resourceful character (most unlike Nigel Bruce's bumbling assistant in the Basil Rathbone series) - it's a shame that Plummer and Mason didn't return to the roles for more adventures.

7.5/10, rounded up to 8 for pointing the finger at the freemasons and the royals, who I feel have many a shocking secret up their sleeves.

Summer of Secrets (1976)

My God! I can't stand any more of this!

[2/10 · 8 May 2024]

Young couple Steve and Kym (Andrew Sharp and Nell Campbell) chance upon the home of mad doctor Beverley Adams (Arthur Dignam) and his assistant Bob (Rufus Collins), who are planning to bring the scientist's cryogenically-frozen wife Rachel (Kate Fitzpatrick) back to life.

This summary for Jim Sharman's Summer of Secrets sounds a lot like the director's earlier cult hit The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but the two films couldn't be more different: Summer of Secrets has none of Rocky Horror's energy, vibrancy, memorably colourful characters or energetic musical numbers: where Rocky Horror has rightfully gained an army of devoted fans who have the film on repeat, Summer of Secrets now wallows in obscurity, and deservedly so, the film being an overlong, incredibly dull and repetitive snooze-fest, one watch being more than enough.

The presence of 'Little Nell' Campbell prevents me from giving the film the lowest possible rating (she's a doll), but, as the sign says in Rocky Horror, 'Enter at your own risk!!'.

The Haunting of Julia (1977)

Don't choke near Mia...

[6/10 · 7 May 2024]

Full Circle is a slow-burn ghost story, one that relies on atmosphere and intrigue over cheap scare tactics. The film stars Mia Farrow as Julia Lofting, whose marriage breaks down after the death of her daughter Katie (a scene that will have you screaming 'Heimlich manoeuvre' at the screen). After Julia moves into a new home, she begins to experience strange occurrences that lead her to investigate the history of the building's previous occupants. As Julia slowly unravels the mystery, several of her friends and acquaintances meet sudden deaths. Is the ghost of an evil young girl responsible?

Mia Farrow, no stranger to the horror genre (her previous scary movies being Rosemary's Baby and See No Evil), puts in a great central performance as the emotionally fragile Julia, and she is supported by an excellent cast that includes Tom Conti as her best friend Mark (kind but very stupid -- who puts an electric lamp precariously above their bath?), Keir Dullea as Julia's husband Magnus, and Anna Wing as medium Mrs. Flood, plus minor roles for Peter Sallis and Nigel Havers. Director Richard Loncraine handles the story well, gradually building the eeriness, but ends his film with an ambiguous scene that could very well frustrate many viewers: Julia dies with two wounds on her neck (presumably from the cymbals on the clockwork toy she is holding) -- were they self inflicted, the woman finally allowing grief to get the better of her, or is she another victim of the malevolent spirit? I haven't the foggiest.

5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for the excellent cinematography and the effective score.

Face of Darkness (1976)

Not short enough.

[1/10 · 5 May 2024]

It might clock in at less than an hour, but The Face of Darkness took me at least twice that long to finish watching because I had to take frequent breaks from the boredom. The film feels like the product of a pretentious film student: technically inept, turgid, pompous poppycock with atrocious acting.

Lennard Pearce (Grandad from Only Fool and Horses) plays a British politician who proposes a new draconian public order bill that would reintroduce capital punishment for crimes of terrorism. Realising that getting this bill through parliament might prove difficult, he puts into motion a somewhat unusual plan to drum up public support: he resurrects the body of a medieval man excommunicated by the church and gets him to carry out a terrorist attack, killing a schoolgirl by planting a bomb in a school playground.

While this unique plot sounds fairly intriguing, the reality is that The Face of Darkness is 58 minutes of complete and utter unmitigated toss that becomes more and more obtuse and mind-numbingly tedious as it progresses. It should come as no surprise to learn that this was the first and last film to be directed by Ian F. H. Lloyd, who presumably went on to explore pastures new, well away from the creative arts.

1/10. If you really want to watch Grandad Trotter snogging a centuries-old dead man or see what actress Gwyneth Powell did before playing Mrs McClusky in Grange Hill, then this is the film for you, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Infested (2023)

Nightmare fuel for arachnophobes.

[7/10 · 5 May 2024]

I'm not one of those crazy people who say that spiders are our friends. I hate them. I say squash them, stomp them, crush the ugly little buggers. If you're also not a fan of the eight-legged beasties, think twice before watching French creature feature Infested, which is guaranteed nightmare fuel for arachnophobes.

The film stars Théo Christine as Kaleb, who collects creepy crawlies; unfortunately, his latest acquisition, a rare African spider, quickly escapes and gives birth to hundreds of more spiders, which then rapidly grow and multiply. Pretty soon, the rundown apartment building where Kaleb lives is over-run by deadly arachnids and placed under quarantine, with Kaleb and his friends trapped inside.

The plot for Infested is fairly routine for the genre, but it does what is required of it, namely set up the film for plenty of edge-of-the-seat moments designed to make the viewer feel as uneasy as possible. Director Sébastien Vanicek delivers maximum terror, combining real spiders and impressive CGI for memorable set-pieces that will have those brave enough to watch squirming in their seats.

Admittedly, Infested does run out of steam a little in the final act when the cops show up and matters get seriously out of hand, and one character's decision to open a door and release the spiders is highly questionable, but given what has gone before I am willing to cut the film a bit of slack: it's not often that a horror film makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976)

Mid-tier blaxploitation horror.

[6/10 · 4 May 2024]

Henry Pride (Bernie Casey) is a successful yet altruistic black doctor who develops a serum that he hopes will cure liver disease; when he tests the formula on himself, he transforms into a white psycho who kills prostitutes and pimps.

Although, at face value, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde is a trashy example of blaxploitation horror, it does attempt to explore deeper themes that would have resonated with its intended black audience. With Dr. Pride transforming into a bestial white man, the film equates whiteness with power and corruption, a belief understandably held by many in the black urban underclass; it also explores the idea of black guilt over attaining success and status in a predominantly white profession, and likens the doctor's repeated use of his serum to drug addiction, an issue that affects the poor and underprivileged. There's plenty to dig into if you enjoy films with social commentary...

But what about the more 'fun' aspects of the film?

Let's start with the obvious: Mr. Hyde's appearance. White face paint and some light prosthetics work does not convincingly turn a black man into a caucasian, and the scenes in which the transformed Dr. Pride is mistaken for a 'honky' are hilarious. The make-up was created by FX legend Stan Winston, but it is far from his best work.

Mr. Hyde throwing people around like rag dolls: extremely comical, but hugely entertaining.

Silky the pimp: I love a stereotypical pimp and Silky ticks all of the boxes.

The nudity, courtesy of Marie O'Henry as Linda, the hooker with a heart: no exploitation film is complete without gratuitous T&A and Linda's completely naked health checks at the free clinic are about as gratuitous as it gets. If Dr. Pride wasn't so kind and upstanding, I'd be questioning his ethics...

Johnny Pate's funky soundtrack.

The King Kong inspired finalé that sees Mr. Hyde scaling the Watts Towers (one of LA's more unusual landmarks).

Better than Blackenstein and Scream Blacula Scream, but not as enjoyable as Abby or Blacula, this is mid-tier blaxploitation horror that can be commended for addressing social issues along with its escapism. 5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for IMDb.

The Devil's Men (1976)

Cushing and Pleasence and three hot blondes.

[6/10 · 4 May 2024]

While it is true that Land of the Minotaur (AKA The Devil's Men) suffers from a meandering script in which not a lot happens, let us not forget that it stars two heavyweights of the horror genre who rarely disappoint: Donald Pleasence and Peter Cushing help prevent the film from being a total waste of time.

It doesn't hurt either that there are three sexy blondes on hand to deliver some very welcome T&A: Jane Lyle as the (always naked) girlfriend of private detective Milo (Kostas Karagiorgis); Vanna Reville as archaeologist Beth, who spends a lot of the time in very short shorts and who has a brief sex scene; and busty Luan Peters as Laurie, who also strips off (for a bath scene) and whose shorts are just as teeny as Reville's. Call me easily pleased if you want.

Pleasence plays Irish priest Father Roche, who lives in a Greek town where the Minotaur-worshipping locals, led by Baron Corofax (Cushing), sacrifice young vacationing couples to their deity; in return, the Mintotaur's followers become impervious to harm. With the help of detective Milo, Father Roche tries to defeat the pagan cult before they can carry out any more sacrifices.

That's about it for the plot - the majority of the film feels like padding, but the finalé is fun as Roche and Milo infiltrate the cult's lair armed with a cross and holy water, the only things that can destroy the villains (who explode when splashed with the holy water!).

5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for Jane Lyle - I wish she had been in it more.

The Demon Lover (1976)

Bad but not unwatchable.

[5/10 · 3 May 2024]

Satanist Laval Blessing (Christmas Robbins, looking like James Hetfield circa 1990, after he's eaten a whole load of pies) holds a party for his coven, but when he insists on them all getting naked to participate in an orgiastic ritual, they decide to leave. Miffed, Laval (and the one woman willing to strip for the occasion) summons a demon to take revenge on his disloyal followers.

This low-budget independent horror features atrocious acting, a terrible script, dreadful photography, and a hilariously bad demon (big horns, big fangs, and big red eyes), but it is thanks to its ineptness in all departments that it proves to be quite watchable. Films this bad are what fans of z-grade horror live for, and this one doesn't disappoint, delivering such delights as a totally pointless karate training session in which Laval gets kicked in the goolies, a poorly choreographed bar brawl, three girls having a play-fight with canned cream, and Frank Zappa being shot in the crotch with a crossbow.

Director Donald G. Jackson (Hell Comes To Frogtown) blissfully ignores the fact that no-one in his film can act (even Gunnar Hansen, in a brief cameo, ain't great), giving us numerous bloody but unconvincing death scenes guaranteed to have viewers in stitches. Not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, but for those with a particular mind-set, it'll prove a fun way to waste seventy or so minutes.

4.5/10, rounded up to 5 for IMDb.

Tarot (I) (2024)

I was The Fool for going to see this.

[2/10 · 2 May 2024]

Tarot is the latest teen horror to hit the big screen, but the film is completely undeserving of a cinematic release.

I could tell from the trailer that the film wouldn't be great, but I was unprepared for just how bad it actually was. It feels a lot like something from well over twenty years ago: the 'teenagers unable to escape fate' story line is highly reminiscent of Final Destination while its variety of creepy killers reminded me of Thir13en Ghosts - only it isn't anywhere near as good as either of those films.

Directors Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg take the easy route by delivering predictable jump scares accompanied by very loud noises, and it soon gets very tiresome and repetitive. Unlike Final Destination and Thir13en Ghosts, Tarot doesn't even provide viewers with gory death scenes - all of the kills are extremely tame and most are off screen. The teal and orange colour scheme adds to the dated feel, and there is an over-reliance on CGI.

A more unoriginal and forgettable horror movie it is hard to imagine - this is a serious contender for worst horror release of the year so far (and that's saying something).

The Premonition (1975)

I had a premonition that this would suck.

[2/10 · 2 May 2024]

The Premonition feels like it has been heavily and sloppily edited in order to bring it in at a reasonable runtime; that's the only reason I can think of for it being so erratic and so baffling.

The plot sees foster parents Sheri and Miles Bennett (Sharon Farrell and Edward Michael Bell) concerned for the safety of their adopted daughter Janie (Danielle Brisebois) after the girl's biological mother, mental patient Andrea (Ellen Barber), tries to abduct her. For some reason - and this is where the film gets more than a bit strange - Sheri experiences psychic premonitions that connect her to Janie, and when Andrea's boyfriend Jude (a circus clown played by Richard Lynch) gets his hands on the girl, Sheri must play a piano in front of a crowd of total strangers in order to be reunited with her daughter.

If that last part about the piano has you confused, join the club - I hadn't a scooby what was going on by the end of the film, but to be honest, I had given up trying to make sense of the plot long before that point.

Boy Kills World (2023)

Violent but vapid.

[4/10 · 1 May 2024]

After his family are killed by a tyrannical post-apocalyptic dynasty, a young boy is trained by a mysterious shaman (Yayan Ruhian) to become a deadly assassin hellbent on revenge. Grown up and ready for action, the Boy (Bill Skarsgård) teams up with resistance fighters Basho (Andrew Koji) and Bennie (Isaiah Mustafa) to try and kill the head of the dynasty, the wicked Hilda Van Der Koy (Famke Janssen).

I love a brutal revenge movie, and God knows this one doesn't shy away from the graphic violence, but the script is incredibly weak, while the comic book approach, with its offbeat humour and crazy characters, strives too hard for cult appeal. The film relies very heavily on its kooky comedy, most of which falls flat; it is, more often than not, very irritating, particularly the Boy's inner voice, his imaginary little sister Mina (Quinn Copeland), and Mustafa's incomprehensible Bennie.

Fortunately, the frequent action is, for the most part, well handled, with a nasty fight involving a cheese grater, an impressive scene with a mini-gun, and a suitably hard-hitting and bloody two-against-one final fight in the villain's bunker (those claws gouging their flesh - yowch!). I can't help but think that if the film had been played more seriously, minus the lame attempts at being wacky, it would have been a far more satisfying watch.

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)

Mrs. Mangel goes missing.

[2/10 · 30 April 2024]

Valentine's Day, 1900: schoolgirls from Appleyard College attend a picnic at Hanging Rock, a volcanic rock formation near Mt. Macedon in the Australian state of Victoria. While there, some of the girls and one of their teachers (played by Vivean Gray, Mrs. Mangel from Neighbours) inexplicably disappear. Search parties are mounted, to no avail. Eventually, one of the girls is found, but she cannot remember what happened. Meanwhile, Mrs. Appleyard (Rachel Roberts), the school headmistress, is concerned about the negative effect the disappearances are having on her income.

This is the kind of arthouse film that cinema snobs fall over themselves to praise as a cinematic masterpiece, mentioning the atmosphere of repressed sexuality, the brooding sense of dread, the ethereal beauty of the cinematography, the symbolism and the haunting soundtrack. What these people fail to mention is how incredibly boring and uneventful the whole film is: the plot is incredibly slight and the pacing so slow that at almost two hours long the film is like an endurance test with no reward at the end.

Some praise director Peter Weir for his reluctance to provide answers to the mystery, but to me that just feels like rubbing salt in the wound: not only is his film boring, it also fails wrap things up in a satisfactory manner.

Inn of the Damned (1975)

Hooray for Hoogeveen!

[8/10 · 29 April 2024]

'70s Ozsploitation movie Inn of the Damned combines the Western and horror genres and, in my opinion, does it very well.

The film stars Alex Cord as American bounty hunter Cal Kincaid, who teams up with Trooper Moore (Tony Bonner) to capture ruthless Australian criminal Biscayne (Robert Quilter); meanwhile, local innkeepers Caroline and Lazar Straulle (Judith Anderson and Joseph Fürst) -- old acquaintances of Biscayne -- subsidise their income by murdering their lodgers and stealing their belongings. When Trooper Moore goes to the inn to question the Straulles, he winds up becoming a victim of the homicidal old couple (who were driven insane when their children were killed by an escaped convict), leading Kincaid to stop eating peaches off a naked hooker and investigate his friend's disappearance instead.

The film begins primarily as a Western, with the two heroes tracking down their quarry through the scenic countryside, but segues into horror once Biscayne is brought to justice and Moore is murdered.

My favourite part of the film comes when a woman (Diana Dangerfield) and her pretty stepdaughter Beverly (Carla Hoogeveen) arrive at the inn during a storm. While their buggy driver Alfred (Phillip Avalon) is being brutally stabbed to death by Lazar, the women are stripping off to share a bed and to take a bath together. We then learn that the stepmother is a predatory lesbian who has been abusing Beverly, which is totally superfluous to the plot, since both women are bumped off soon after, but that's why it's so great -- it's pure exploitation!

Kincaid opting to spend a night in the inn to try and find out what happened to Moore ramps up the suspense, leading to a tense showdown between the bounty hunter and the elderly psychos. The film does tend to outstay its welcome once the killers have been caught, and the revelation about what is hidden in their secret room is quite disappointing (not nearly as twisted as I had hoped), but on the whole this is a very entertaining film.

7.5/10, rounded up to 8 for the Straulle's unique method of killing their victims.