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captrose
Reviews
Friday the 13th (2009)
Another Nispel "masterpiece"
Here is the usual "SPOILERS ahead" warning. Read at your own peril!! I've always been a F13/Jason fan. Can't say I was excited about the remake being produced by Michael Bay but at least I hoped we would get some cool new special edition dvds (which we did). So expecting nothing and knowing I had my old favorites still to watch I went to check it out.
Have to say I was under impressed. One of the charms for me about F13 has always been the fact the movies didn't take themselves very serious. The creators might disagree with that statement but come on, how do you explain his healing factor, the fact Jason never runs but somehow always get ahead of his victim and his "victim radar"? This new movie tries really hard to make it "realistic". Jason runs (*sigh*) after his victims. (Runs? Runs? Jason doesn't run!) There is some sort of crazy mine below Camp Crystal Lake (?) that Jason now uses to get around (because the director wanted a mine. You know, a generic mine, not any particular kind). Along with bear traps and trip wires to let him know where people are. Some half buried bus to come out of ... somewhere on the camp ground. We only get one "Kill, kill, kill, Ma, ma, ma" when he finds the hockey mask. (I remember reading that the new creators wanted to have some "meaning" about why and where he got the mask. Guess they forgot that because it's the same thing, he finds it.) And oh yeah, not much happens at the camp because the producer, Michael "Big Explosion" Bay, thinks that summer camps aren't scary. That reminds me of the director for a Captain America movie who said he hated the costume so he kept the hero out of costume as much as possible. Where the Hell do they get these people? It's more of a remake of F12 Part 3, than Part 1 or Part 2 though there are parts of both in it. Nana Visitor is utterly wasted as the new Mrs. Voorhees. There are some great comments over at Stacy Ponder's Final Girl blog review. Then I found out something that would have kept me totally away from the flick, the director is the same guy who did the god-awful remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre from a few years back (Marcus Nispel). Honestly, if I had known that, I wouldn't have wasted the $9.50 nor the time. But, I would have warned you my friends, this guy doesn't ever need to make a movie again. Let alone another "horror" movie.
It's not totally horrible and I'm sure the kids who like the remakes of the current time will like it. But for this old timer, it takes the parts of F13 I liked and totally ejects them in favor or "realism". Honestly, it makes me worry even more about the upcoming "new" Star Trek.
For old fans, I would recommend picking up the new versions of F13 1-3 and "His Name Was Jason". F13 P3 is finally in 3D, and His Name Was Jason is hosted by Tom Savini. All kinds of 80's slasher goodness there. Don't forget the original "Valentine's Day Massacre" just released, also uncut for the first time ever. You'll enjoy it more than this remake.
I'll give it 1 hockey mask out of 5.
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
short review of Xmen 3 (with a few short spoilers)
I give it an "8". I enjoyed it and thought it was good.
Let me back track a bit. As much as I thought Singer's first two were good, there wasn't a whole lot of action. Every where I went online they kept talking about how brutal Wolverine's fight in X2 was. I kept asking where this brutal fight was. One long yell and a few swipes was about it. I like Singer, don't get me wrong. Let me state that again, I like Singer and what he started....
Now here comes the big smelly "but" But (told you) after seeing X3, I felt like I had finally gotten what I wanted. Lots of action. Maybe a few too many cameos, but those were only for the fan boys. You could ignore them if you wanted. The main negatives were Halley Berry returning, the early death of a major character (that I kept expecting to show up, but didn't) and the fact this might be the last one. Look, I'm not a real big fan of Ratner, but he did a fine job. It's got action, lots of action. And that's something that a comic book movie should have plenty of. Singer's seemed like teasing after this. He laid the foundation but never finished the building. Now, after seeing Superman Returns, I'm beginning to wonder if that is just a flaw of his style. But I digress...
If you like the comics or the first two, then you should like this. If you don't, then why the heck are you reading comments for it? I'm not going to convince you to rent it it you've not seen the other two.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Utterly Horrible And Worthless
This is quite possibly, the worse remake ever made. I wasn't a big fan of the original, but it is a horror classic. THIS ISN'T. How anyone could be scared of this crap, I'll never understand. I've yet to understand Generation Y can say the original isn't scary, but this is. There is nothing scary about this film. I've seen episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants that was scarier. And had more suspense. I looked at the clock on my cell phone over 20 times hoping this was over and I could have the time back. It ranks with the Exorcist Prequel as another horrible movie that should never have been made. The ONLY thing worth watching is Jessical Biel walking around in those jeans, but God, the horrible crap you have to put up to see that. Add in the "cameo" of Harry Knowles (nothing personal Harry) and that was a highlight. I give this Negative 10 stars on a 1-5 scale.
Batman & Robin (1997)
What the ...??!!
I said that question several times watching this movie and that was just during the first 15 minutes. When the George (dead eyes, nod, smile nod smile) Clooney clicked his magic heels and the bat skates came out, I was ready to leave. What was joel Poop-maker (you figure it out) thinking? He obviously never understood what Batman was all about. Because of when he said he was tired of the "woe is me, my parents are dead, I must become a dark avenger of the night". Uh... joel, that IS Batman. You don't have to make him morose the whole time, he's not the Punisher. But, he's serious. Somebody should tie joel to a chair and make him watch the animated series over and over until he understands who and what Batman is. I can give you a clue joel, it's not george clooney (find somebody that can act!) and it's not this.
The Master (1984)
cheesy but not too bad (and it has Sho Kosugi!)
I remember this series quite well. Back in the 80s when the US underwent a "ninja" phase, this came out. Lee Van Cleef is an American trained as a ninja who decides to leave "the family". Sho Kosugi (a real life kick butt martial artist) goes after him. Cleef comes to America and meets up with Tim Van Patten who joins up as his apprentice, hence, the title. It's kind of cheesy, but not as bad as it could have been. A lot of the "wandering do-gooders" a la "The Incredible Hulk" and "Scooby Doo". I remember watching this on Friday nights and enjoying the heck out of it.
Three Kings (1999)
insipid piece of crap, WARNING SPOILERS
Warning, Possible Spoilers:
I can not understand why anyone would like this movie. It is a typical piece of post-Mtv quick edit, hurry the movie is dragging, george clooney glossed over can't act crap. If anyone believes clooney's character's change of heart, or didn't see it coming the entire time, you are sentenced to watch four months of war movies made before 1980. Mark Wahlberg is .. well, just there. His "torture" sequence is ...boring. And pointless. Is every roll that the former Marky-Mark going to be "full of angst"? Icecube is the only good actor in this. The fourth solder (can't remember the actor or the characters name) is a rednecked blatant stereotypical southerner who sees the error of his ways just in time to die. I kept expecting to hear him say "Shazam!". Why this is on so many best of 99 lists is beyond me. This movie is horrible, I can't stress enough how much I hated this movie. Go watch "Johnny Got His Gun".
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
what the heck is this c***
First off, let me say something. I don't get the whole thing. I understand that it's suppose to be a parody of James Bond, but it's not funny. Atleast the first movie had the novelity act going for it. This movie is so unfunny and most of the jokes can be seen coming a mile away. Like you couldn't see the fecal softdrink coming as soon as it was shown. I hated this movie. The only reason I sat through it was I didn' have to pay for it. please spare us a third one.
Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)
Cool homage/descendant of Night of the Living Dead
Great first movie from the Tales from the Crypt series. Billy Zane rocks as "The Collector". Dumb name, we know, but check it out. It's got Dick Miller! And Jada Pinket (whatever happened to her?:) Sort of another Night of the Living Dead type story with people trapped in a house by "things". Only one way to kill the "things" (demons, hence, the title), shott them in the eyes. Image the ghouls from NOTLD being controlled by someone for a evil purpose and you get it. Great ideal way to stop the demons from getting in. So, Joseph of Aramathea was the first Demon Knight? It's almost the same origin as the Holy Grail (no, no Monty Python). It's a great saturday afternoon movie, so, sit back, wait until about thirty minutes before sundown and enjoy.
Dogma (1999)
See if for yourself, don't let others make your decisions
I really can't see why anyone that isn't catholic would get excited over this movie. Being somewhat religious, I found the plot devices interesting and a refreshing new view. Since I am not a catholic, I don't understand why you would let a group decide for you what to see. While this isn't Kevin Smith's best film, it has the trademark witty dialogue. If you have an open mind and can laugh at yourself, go see this before it is gone out of the theatre.
Ravenous (1999)
RENT THIS MOVIE
If you have a dark sense of humor, and like to enjoy something different, rent this movie. It was about ten minutes in to this movie, I knew I would be buying it on DVD. It's hard to really describe it, it changes as the movie progresses. All of the performances are great, special notice to Guy Pierce and Robert Carlyle. If you have a brain, you should enjoy this.
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Possibly the greatest horror movie ever made
If you haven't seen this movie, you are not a horror movie fan. The script is great, the movie is awesome. The first time I saw this, I was amazed at the way Roger was killed. Usually, when a major character is killed it's either in some "heroic" sacrafice or trying to look like it's no big deal. Roger's death is the exception. George Romero is a god. I remember the first time that I saw this movie, right after the "head shot". I was thinking, you can't show that. It was one of the first and few movies that really blew me away.