Ted (2012)
Norah Jones: Norah Jones
Photos
Quotes
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[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]
Ted : Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!
Norah Jones : Teddy!
Ted : Hahaha! How are you?
Norah Jones : [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?
Ted : Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
Norah Jones : Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
Ted : Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
John : [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.
Norah Jones : Hey. Hey there, sweaty.
[wipes hand on her dress]
Norah Jones : Um, you ready to bring down the house?
John : Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
Ted : Jesus, you look fantastic.
Norah Jones : Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted : [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
Norah Jones : Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
Ted : Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
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[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]
Norah Jones : Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!
[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]
Lori : Oh... my God.
Rex : Holy... shit.
[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]
Ted : I gotta fuck her again.
John : Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]
John : [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...
Ted : Still better than Katy Perry.
John : [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /
[raises voice]
John : We move as one / We're an all-time high...
Rex : You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!
[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]
Angry fan : You're an asshole!
[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]
Norah Jones : Oh Jesus!
[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]