- Johnny Carson: As you know, the, uh, Columbia Space Shuttle landed today after eight days - and so did the Oscar telecast.
- Johnny Carson: [mocking Doc's old-fashioned clothes] Why don't we get together, and put on a show in the barn?
- Doc Severinsen: I can't; I'm goin' to an orgy here in Burbank tonight.
- Johnny Carson: [on the name of Long John Silver's parrot] Captain Flint... was the name of Long John - now, I would not have known that... The name of his leg was Murray Saperstein.
- Ed McMahon: [on the term for the study of monologues] What is the name?
- Johnny Carson: Monology.
- Ed McMahon: Oh - monology.
- Johnny Carson: The study of mine is called an autopsy.
- Roger Moore: [on attending the Oscars] I've been there when they've been refused. I w-... uh, was left holding the Oscar when Marlon Brando sent up Minnehaha.
- Johnny Carson: [on visiting Roger Moore in France] You show up, and the crowds come from every direction.
- Roger Moore: Well, I owe a lot of money.
- Maureen Stapleton: [showing her necklace] This is pretty.
- Johnny Carson: That *is* very pretty. That's a...
- Maureen Stapleton: It's fake, but it's...
- Johnny Carson: You don't have to say that!
- Maureen Stapleton: Well, in case I get mugged in the hall.