Bedazzled (2000)
Frances O'Connor: Alison, Nicole
Photos
Quotes
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Alison Gardner : Don't you think that secular humanism is yummy?
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Alison Gardner : I just had to tell you how much I loved your novel "Always Toujours."
Elliot Richards : Well, I was just trying to make a simple point, really. Every time I've reread Camus and Sartre, I kept thinking to myself, "Why does the existential dilemma have to be so damned bleak?"
Alison Gardner : Yes.
Elliot Richards : Yes, we're alone in the universe. Yes, life is meaningless, death is inevitable. But is that necessarily so depressing?
Alison Gardner : I couldn't agree more. Don't you think secular humanism is yummy?
Elliot Richards : Oh, delish.
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[Elliot, as the most emotionally sensitive man, is being abandoned by Alison]
Elliot : I can't handle this kind of rejection. Why don't you want to stay?
Alison : You want to know why, Elliot? Because you're just *too* sensitive! I'm about to go out of my mind! It's been wonderful, and God knows I love you, but enough is enough! I just want to be with a man who'll ignore me and take me for granted, who's only pretending to be interested in who I am and what I think so he can get into my pants.
Jerry : That would be me.
Alison : Oh, thank you! Let's get out of here.
Elliot : Alison! Wait! Alison! I'll get into your pants!
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Elliot Richards : [as the handsome, articulate author Elliot] Do you know the largest organ in the human body?
Alison Gardner : [looks down; flirtatiously] I can guess...
Elliot Richards : [sing-songy] You'd be wrong.
[they laugh]
Elliot Richards : It's your integumentary system. Your creamy... soft... and completely desirable skin.
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[Elliot has just wished to be the President of the United States; his wish pulls him into the lobby of an antiquated theater with Alison appearing as a courtly woman in 1860s garb]
Alison Gardner : Mr. President! Alison Gardner. We're so honored to have you here, sir.
[Elliot turns to look in the mirror and realizes he's Abraham Lincoln on April 14th, 1865 at Ford's Theatre - the night of his asssassination]
Elliot Richards : Oh, no, no, no, no.
Alison Gardner : The actors are beside themselves with excitement.
Elliot Richards : We're going to a play?
Alison Gardner : I think you'll find it quite amusing. It's called "Our American Cousin".
Elliot Richards : You know, I think I've seen it. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.
Alison Gardner : I don't think you've seen it, sir. It's an entirely new play.
Elliot Richards : Really? I think I know how it ends.
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[Elliot - as his 7'6'' basketball player self, dressed only in a towel - is being interviewed in the locker room by Alison, who is now a sports writer]
Alison Gardner : God, you were incredible tonight. Watching you... I just kept thinking how unbelievably *big* your ego must be after a game like that.
Elliot Richards : Well, not that big, really.
Alison Gardner : I bet it's pretty big.
Elliot Richards : Well, it gets a little bit bigger.
[they both laugh]
Elliot Richards : Depends on how happy I am!
[laughing harder]
Elliot Richards : Want to go back to my place? I'll show you my bottle cap collection.
Alison Gardner : Oh, God, that would... that would be tremendous.
Elliot Richards : All right! Well... I should... I should get dressed.
Alison Gardner : I can't wait.
[Alison makes it clear she's not going anywhere. Elliot sheepishly disrobes his towel; though the audience can't see, it's clear from their reactions that Elliot's great height may be compensating for something...]
Alison Gardner : Oh, my God.
Elliot Richards : [howling] Hey! What the hell?
Alison Gardner : God, there's this...
Elliot Richards : [Alison holds her ears in pain as Elliot howls again] Hey! Damn! Oh, heck!
Alison Gardner : Oh, God, I remembered there's this teeny, tiny thing to do.
Elliot Richards : What's teeny?
Alison Gardner : No, no. Just something I have to write.
Elliot Richards : About me?
Alison Gardner : Yeah, just a little, short, itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game.
Elliot Richards : Well, can I see you after the road trip?
Alison Gardner : I would love to, but I'm working on a really *big, huge, enormous* story on the NFL, so I probably won't have time.
Elliot Richards : Shoot, I understand. You gotta give 110%.
Alison Gardner : Right.
Elliot Richards : Stay within yourself.
Alison Gardner : Hey, go, yeah. Hey, um... thanks for your time.
Elliot Richards : So long.
[she leaves; Elliot looks down at himself]
Elliot Richards : What the hell? Oh, damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!
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Alison Gardner : Elliot! Hi! Alison Gardner, News.
Elliot Richards : [a bit self-conscious for only wearing a towel] Oh, uh, nice to meet you, ma'am.
Alison Gardner : God, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to meet you.
[looking up at him from way down below:]
Alison Gardner : I was just wondering if there was a possibility that you might consider doing something exclusive with me? For the magazine? You know, maybe more intimate, one on one, just the two of us...?
Elliot Richards : [brutish goofy snicker] Yeah, right, I'd kill you one on one!
[laughs]
Elliot Richards : Shoot!
Alison Gardner : [surveys around her to see if anybody's watching] God, it's so exciting to be here.
[downward glance at his loins:]
Alison Gardner : I mean, uh... you must have an enormously huge... *talent... * to do what you do.
Elliot Richards : Well, you just really go out there, and you give a 110%... and, uh, you hope you play good. And you wanna play good. I think we played pretty good tonight.
[nods]
Alison Gardner : Oh, God, you were incredible tonight. I've been watching you. I just kept thinking how unbelievably big your...
[another downward glance]
Alison Gardner : uh, *ego* must be after a game like that.