- [talking to a she-vampire]
- Rafe Guttman: I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you.
- [Rafe is trying to gain access to the whorehouse, which is disguised as a funeral home]
- Rafe Guttman: I'm here for the, um, Cunningham wake.
- McCutheon: I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow.
- Rafe Guttman: I, uh, really must pay my respects right now.
- McCutheon: Then I suggest you come back TOMORROW.
- Rafe Guttman: Maybe you don't understand me. I'm feeling excruciatingly SAD.
- McCutheon: I'm so sorry.
- Rafe Guttman: And if I don't grieve right now - maybe even grieve two or three times - I'm going to go out of my mind, okay?
- McCutheon: Then I suggest you go mourn somewhere in private - with a box of tissues!
- Rafe Guttman: I'm not going to tell you those aren't the Breasts of the Century, but I'm just not digging the owner, so why don't you put those away; you're just not my type.
- [seeing a televangelist's glitzy chapel]
- Rafe Guttman: Nice place, Katherine. Kind of like Superman's dad's place on Krypton.
- Rafe: [after Tamara stands in front of window letting in sunlight] Tammy! Tell me again why vampires hate sunlight?
- Vincent Prather: You're a smart boy, Miguel. Because of that I'm gonna let you have some of what we find.
- Miguel: Ah! Remember that you said that.
- Vincent Prather: I will. I'm gonna let it have some of you, too.
- [after ripping Jenkin's head off]
- Lillith: I just love a man who gives you head - and lets you keep it!
- Rafe Guttman: Sorry Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore.
- Caleb: Wrong! I'll always be your brother, sis.
- Rafe Guttman: Katherine, run from your brother.
- Rafe: [after finding and confronting Rev. Current in the bordello] Come on, Rev, I'm feeling a little jumpy - friend or foe?
- Rafe: [to Police Deputy Noonan] You know, Noonan, you don't wear irony too well. Why don't you leave that to the big boys, okay?