The Jack Benny Program (1950–1965)
Jack Benny: Jack Benny, Self, Benny the Louse, District Attorney, Self - Host, Zeke Benny, Alexander Hamilton, Alfalfa, Bruce Fink, Buck, Charles Manningham, Charleston T. Gundelfinger, Det. Lt. Benny, Dr. Benny, Gaylord Benny, General Sneed #2, Jack's Father, Jonathan W. Goodheart, Jose Zeco, Koko the Lord High Executioner, Lem Skinner, Mr. Hyde, Paul Revere, Principal Benny, Ralph Kramden, Self - Dr. Jekyll, Smeaton, Stephen Foster, Tarzan, Tex Morgan, The Cactus Kid, The Fiddler, The Old Year
Photos
Quotes
-
Marilyn Monroe : What about the difference in our ages?
Jack : Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
Marilyn Monroe : I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?
Jack : Gee, I never thought of that.
-
[on trial for murder, Jack has Perry Mason defending him]
Jack : I can't understand it. On your show you always win.
Perry Mason : Maybe my writers are better than yours.
-
[repeated line]
Jack : Now, cut that out!
-
Thug : Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
Jack Benny : I'm thinking it over.
-
[At Liberace's House]
Liberace : What do we have for dinner?
Cook : We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.
Jack : Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?
Liberace : Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?
Jack : Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.
-
[repeated line]
Jack Benny : We're a little late, so good night, folks.
-
Jack : I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
-
Jack Benny : Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?
Rochester : You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?
Jack Benny : That star has five points.
Rochester : Well, it went down two points this last year.
-
Thug : You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.
Jack Benny : Does it have to be both?
-
Jack : It's really dangerous, here in the jungle.
'Clyde' : Your'e telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.
Jack : Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath.
'Clyde' : Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.
-
Jack Benny : [on the phone with Mary Livingston] Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger.
[Mary hangs up the phone]
Jack Benny : Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.
-
Mel Blanc : [as a former classmate, now a taxi driver] I'm very successful - I own my own cab. What do YOU do?
Jack : [pause] I'm the voice of Bugs Bunny!
Mel Blanc : Well, I'm glad you got rid of that lousy fiddle!
-
Bob Crosby : That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Don Wilson : I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?
Jack : Don, you're hanging yourself.
-
Jack : When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
-
Jack : I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
-
Don Wilson : [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants
Bob Hope : Why do you want Jack's pants?
Don Wilson : Because I had to give him mine.
Bob Hope : You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?
Jack : [out of shot] Darn right I am.
-
Jack : Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"