- Nick Arden: I came here with my wife... hum... my bride really. Now my wife, not my bride... my wife... Why should I bore you with details?
- Hotel clerk: I won't be bored.
- Nick Arden: Listen, it's just simple as A B C.
- Hotel clerk: Don't tell me you got someone in B?
- Nick Arden: The moment I saw you I knew...
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: I bet you say that to all your wives.
- Judge Walter Bryson: I'd like to get home and tell my wife about this. She thinks all my cases are boring.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Oh, by the way, how was my funeral?
- Ma: Lovely. Doctor Blake preached a wonderful service.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Oh, I wish I had been there.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Who are you?
- Stephen Burkett: Well, your honor...
- Nick Arden: Oh, he was on the island with her. He's not important to this case.
- Judge Walter Bryson: I'll decide what's important to the case. What island?
- Nick Arden: The island where my wife stayed for seven years, your honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: They were on an island together for seven years?
- Nick Arden: Yes, your honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Not alone?
- Nick Arden: Yes.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Hmm. Same island?
- Nick Arden: Yes.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Is that in the brief?
- Nick Arden: No, your honor!
- Judge Walter Bryson: Oh, that should be in the brief. That's the most interesting part of the case.
- [Ellen speaking with her children, whom she hasn't seen since they were babies]
- Chinch: Are you a lady or a man?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Well, I used to be a lady...
- Tim: Are ya a sailor?
- Chinch: A lady sailor?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Well...
- Tim: My mother was practically a sailor - she went down in a shipwreck.
- Chinch: Oh, he's always boasting.
- [Dr. Kohlmar walks in on Nick holding a dress in front of himself with a lady's hat on his head]
- Nick Arden: Do you think this goes together? Blue ought to go with blue, right?
- Dr. Kohlmar: Yes, I suppose.
- Nick Arden: It's for a friend.
- Nick Arden: [discussing how to tell Tim and Chinch that Ellen is their mother] Would it help if I wrote them a letter?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Oh, that would be nice, yes. 'Enclosed, please find your mother.'
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [after being confronted by Nick about her seemingly sketchy 7 year disappearance and absence while shipwrecked with another man] It just occurs to me that I ought to feel insulted. I go through 7 years of agony. I come home to find my husband in the arms of another woman - married! My children don't know me. And all my husband can think of is did I carry on with some poor man who wouldn't hurt a fly.
- Nick Arden: Oh now, just a moment.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: You 'just a moment'! Did you tell her?
- [referring to Bianca]
- Nick Arden: Hmm?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: 'Hmm'? Did you?
- Nick Arden: Well...
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: No, ya got into costume.
- [referring to his garish tiger print robe]
- Nick Arden: I was about to tell her when...
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: How long does it take to tell a woman 'my wife's come back'? I can say it in 2 seconds: 'my wife's come back'. You've had 2 days.
- Nick Arden: It'd be very kind of you if...
- Judge Walter Bryson: Just a moment.
- [to court clerk]
- Judge Walter Bryson: Wasn't I supposed to marry somebody?
- Court Clerk Beside Judge Bryson: Why yes, yes Your Honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Well, let's get it over with. This can wait. This is a very complicated case, this Arden matter.
- [unknowingly referring to the same case]
- Nick Arden: [approaches the front desk at the hotel] My name is Arden.
- Hotel clerk: Oh yes Mr. Arden.
- [bumps him with the revolving register book]
- Hotel clerk: Whoo! Sorry. I believe that uh...
- [Ellen distracts him, waving behind Nick and Bianca in order to stop him]
- Nick Arden: Huh?
- Hotel clerk: Oh nothing.
- [dings the bell]
- Hotel clerk: Suite A.
- Nick Arden: Oh, Suite A?
- Hotel clerk: It's our best.
- Nick Arden: I'd rather not have it if you don't mind.
- Hotel clerk: I beg your pardon?
- Nick Arden: H-have you anything else?
- Hotel clerk: [perplexed at his odd request] Suite C.
- Nick Arden: I uh, I couldn't take that Suite A because uh...
- [signs the register book]
- Nick Arden: ... because I've been here before.
- [walks away as the clerk looks even more puzzled]
- Hotel clerk: [as Nick and Ellen approach the front desk of the hotel] Yes?
- Nick Arden: I'd like to have another room.
- Hotel clerk: [surprised, due to the fact that Mr. Arden just booked another room with another woman - his wife] Hmm?...
- [looks around while contemplating the seemingly odd situation]
- Hotel clerk: Why certainly sir.
- Nick Arden: Ah, thank you very much. Uh, is uh, is Suite A available?
- Hotel clerk: Suite A?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Yes, Suite A.
- Hotel clerk: [dings the bell] Franz, Suite A. Uh, have you any luggage Miss uh...
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Oh yes I have, a ticket right here - if you'll just sign for it. It's at the airport.
- Nick Arden: Airport.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Thank you.
- Nick Arden: Very much.
- Hotel clerk: [in slight disbelief to the other hotel clerk after the couple walks away] What a man.
- Judge Walter Bryson: [in the courtroom trying to solve/etc. the Arden case] Where'd you go to school?
- Nick Arden: Harvard.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Uh huh. I'm a Yale man myself.
- [to Bianca]
- Judge Walter Bryson: Are you the bride?
- Bianca Bates: Yes Your Honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Mmhmm. Kissless?
- Bianca Bates: Yes Your Honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: [motions to the court clerk denoting an obvious example proving his subtle case of character about Nick] Harvard man.
- [first lines]
- Judge Walter Bryson: [as the omnipotent viewer/camera enters the Los Angeles County Court Of General Sessions / Judge Walter Bryson Presiding and as the bickering over a previous case dies down] Alright, alright. The case is postponed till next Thursday. Now that'll be the 26th.
- Postponed Case Lawyer: Thank you Your Honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Be here.
- Court Clerk Beside Judge Bryson: Are the parties ready in the matter of Ellen Wagstaff Arden?
- Nick Arden: Yes here.
- [smiles endearingly at Bianca and approaches the bench]
- Nick Arden: Good morning Your Honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Good morning.
- [the somewhat confusingly complicated and situationally humorous case of Arden-Wagstaff-etc. begins]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [abruptly cutting Nick off and giving him the cold shoulder as she kicks back into 'playing hard to get', even though she actually wants him back] What about the *spare* tire?
- Nick Arden: Uh... no air.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Do you want to phone the garage?
- Nick Arden: Oh, can't: uh, the wires are down. You see, there's been a landslide. The road is blocked. Probably won't be able to use the phone until morning.
- [just then the phone rings, making him look silly]
- Nick Arden: It's fixed.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [answering the phone] Hello?
- Ma: Oh hello, Ellen? Ellen I have some good news for you: there was a call from Judge Bryson's office. They said that Nicky's annulment has been filed, and that you've been declared legally alive,
- [slightly puzzled at the last part]
- Ma: and you owe him $50. Aha, so, you and Nicky are husband and wife again - you can just pick up where you left off.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Goodbye.
- Nick Arden: Who was that?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [in a last lying effort to 'play hard to get'] They just phoned to say uh, the road is open.
- [last lines]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [after fumbling around in the attic of their mountain cabin where he's supposed to sleep, he comes down to Ellen's bedroom and enters dressed in the Santa Claus outfit that was stored away upstairs] Ohoho, Nick.
- Nick Arden: Merry Christmas.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Merry Christmas.
- [she laughs merrily and he approaches her as the final scene fades out, signifying that they have lovingly reconciled as husband and wife]
- Stephen Burkett: [re-entering the courtroom and playing along with Ellen's verbal ploy to make Nick jealous and come back to her] Well Ellen, see ya at the boat - 9:00.
- Judge Walter Bryson: [from the Bench] What boat?
- Stephen Burkett: You see Your Honor, we're not interested in manmade laws. But there's a law of the jungle: when a man finds his mate, he doesn't have to
- [looks condescendingly at Nick]
- Stephen Burkett: think it out.
- [pretendingly romantically to Ellen]
- Stephen Burkett: Goodbye Eve, until tomorrow.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Goodbye Adam.
- Stephen Burkett: Just a moment.
- Stephen Burkett: And it's alright with me if you bring the kiddies.
- [leaves the courtroom]
- Judge Walter Bryson: [appalled at the strangeness of it all] Kiddies? Well in all my experience on the Bench I have ne-...
- [continues finishing the case]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Timmy's just like you: obstinate, jealous, but adorable.
- Nick Arden: Mm, mmhmm.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: I feel sorry for the woman who marries him.
- Nick Arden: Why?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Cause he's a heartbreaker just like you.
- Nick Arden: Go on, I'm one of the most faithful husbands that ever lived.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Mm, with a wife in every room.
- Judge Walter Bryson: [as Ellen and Stephen enter back into the courtroom, uproarious laughter is heard coming from the spectators and the Judge pounds his gavel in attempt to bring order to the court after Bianca has apparently just punched Nick in the nose] I'll have no violence in my courtroom.
- Bianca Bates: [as she slams the money/fee down on the court Bench] $25 and it was worth it!
- [to Nick]
- Bianca Bates: And all I have to say to you is that, as far as I'm concerned, *you're* legally dead.
- [she storms out of the courtroom]
- Judge Walter Bryson: [referring to Mr. Mulligan in the Mulligan vs. Mulligan-Benson case that Nick is using as a parallel example to his own situation] Well don't stand there gawking, what did he do?
- Nick Arden: He died suddenly of cirrhosis of the liver.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: A-and they never did find out whether he slept with his beard under the covers or over the covers.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Now that'll cost you $25.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Just for a nice old joke?
- Judge Walter Bryson: You heard me - $25.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [in a proudly funny manner] Oh you can't do that Your Honor, I'm legally dead. You think it's nice to take money from a corpse?
- Judge Walter Bryson: Now that'll cost you $25 more. That's 50 you owe me.
- [to the court clerk]
- Judge Walter Bryson: You keeping track of this?
- Court Clerk Beside Judge Bryson: Mm, uh yes.
- Judge Walter Bryson: See that you do.
- Nick Arden: But she is legally dead Your Honor. You declared her legally dead yourself in this very courtroom; your decision is on file.
- Judge Walter Bryson: Did I do that?
- Court Clerk Beside Judge Bryson: Yes, yes you did Your Honor.
- Judge Walter Bryson: I did? Well I'm going to declare her legally alive, then she can pay me that $50. Will someone swear she's a live woman?
- Stephen Burkett: [happily] I'll say she is Your Honor.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [trying to help Nick stop his nosebleed] Oh hold your head back, way back.
- [Nick's head bumps over the water pitcher and it spills all over the judge, the Bench, and the case brief papers]
- Judge Walter Bryson: [extremely irritated] Doh! Now there's a mess.
- [the court clerk quickly fusses with the mess]
- Judge Walter Bryson: Oh, never mind that. I uh-uh-can't read a wet brief. You know what... where's that thing?...
- [slams his hands down twice in frustration]
- Judge Walter Bryson: *Court's adjourned*! Harvard man.
- [leaves the Bench and the scene splices to the next scene]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [nervously attempting to break the ice and prepare them for the news that she is actually their mother] Listen, suppose your mother didn't drown. Suppose she came back.
- Tim: You mean like a miracle?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Yes. Suppose she were right here in
- [Chinch starts to laugh and Scotty motions to her to shush]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: ... what would you... look here, you know don't you.
- Tim: Sure.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Aha.
- [excited and warmly overjoyed]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Well...
- Tim: [endearingly shakes her hand] How do you do, mother.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: How do you do.
- Chinch: [endearingly courtesies] How do you do.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: Well uh, don't you think uh... it's about time somebody started kissing somebody?
- [joyously embraces with Chinch and Tim]
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: How did you find out? Go on, tell me, go on. Ahahahaha.
- Nick Arden: Well, it's no use. I'm out of gas.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: You seem to be out of everything... except ideas.
- Nick Arden: [starting an explanation to her as she sobs] Now let me start from the beginning. Now, once... once there was a man who met a girl. He'd been living alone, for quite some time. Well he told the girl he loved her, and in the natural cause of events he married said girl.
- Bianca Bates: What are you trying to say?
- Nick Arden: Just this: Bianca...
- [the doorbell rings]
- Nick Arden: doorbell, that's the main part - I'll be right back.
- [he rushes out of the room thankful at temporarily escaping having to explain the situation to her and she begins to sob again]
- Stephen Burkett: ...So, just make up your mind old man.
- Nick Arden: [agitated] I'll make up my mind. I'll...
- Stephen Burkett: You're not allowed to have two wives ya know.
- Nick Arden: I know, I know. Don't rush me.
- Nick Arden: [referring to breaking the news to their kids that Ellen is their mother] Well you don't want to give them a shock. At their age the mind is a pretty sensitive instrument. We don't know what it's all about when we're that young.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden aka Eve: [sarcastically] No but we do when we grow up, don't we.
- Nick Arden: Sure, with maturity the mind can withstand anything... *practically* anything.